Monday, November 15, 2021

The Eye of the Storm

My next door neighbor is amazing.  She is always so calm and collected.  She is the eye of the storm. The quiet and the anchor when things in life feel out of control. I absolutely love talking to her because her serenity is like a tranquilizer to my madness. In case I haven't been clear, I adore her and her zen. 

There was that one time that Faye and the little girl I was watching disappeared.  They were found half a mile away, in the dead of winter, deep snow, and on a busy road.  They were building a snow man in the front yard while I was getting the two babies (mine and the sister of the girl I was watching) down for their naps. I could see them out the window. And then I didn't like for a measly 5 minutes when Faye and her friend wandered off.  I asked my neighbor to come sit with the sleeping babies so I could go out and find the two little girls. It was a terrifying time for me. I drove around, yelling their names until I was hoarse.  Driving became difficult as the fear in my stomach began to tighten, my hands gripping the steering wheel, and the tears forced their way out of my eyes. I was so scared about those two little girls. 

A kind woman saw them, and luckily Faye knew her address, and she brought them back to my house.  My neighbor called me and I rushed home. 

I walked in the door seconds after the kind woman dropped them off. The relief was like a sudden sucker punch, knocking the wind out of me.  Unfortunately, my first reaction was to chastise those little girls. My neighbor, who was calmly knitting on my couch, mildly said, "Don't they look so cold, and a little bit scared still? Maybe they would like some hot chocolate, and a hug." There was no judgement in her voice, no condemnation, just her trademark calm, cool, and collected observation, nay, wisdom. 

I love that woman so much. She is absolutely amazing! I have found that for years, I have struggled and tried in vain to be more like her. I want to be rational, not rash. When confronted with a problem, I wish I could observe it, and then act on it with composure instead of the jumping at it, like a rabid dog, with whatever emotion has me foaming at the mouth. I often think how much more peaceful my life would be. My home would be! If I could be more mellow, there would probably be more peace in my house, as I would be able to moderate the fights easier. This has been going on for years for me, often times subconsciously. 

As I was thinking about her today, for whatever reason, I don't even know, I had a realization. I am so blessed to have her in my life, and to be able to see her and be able to think on her example, however, God made me the way I am for a reason. I don't exactly know what that reason is, and I know that I have a lot to work on, to better myself, but I am this way for a reason. 

When I see my sweet neighbor, she is relaxed and careful about things. 

I look at myself, and have to sigh. Nothing about me is calm, cool, and collected. My brain is always in a rush to get to the next thought. It is hurried to expel whatever emotion I am feeling, and instead of taking time to understand and process. My emotions are powerful and persistent and while i instinctively ignore them, that sometimes makes them boil over the top and be worse than they otherwise would have been.

And that is how I roll.

I am working on accepting that this is the way I am. I have to remind myself that I am the spice of my own life.  My life never gets boring. I always have something going on, something that I am working on. Which is exhausting. But I'm not sure I would know what to do with myself if I did have that tranquility.

And then I learned about the ADHD, and it suddenly made sense that I work this way.  Sure, I still dream about being able to have a mellow life, but I am beginning to accept that it is not likely to ever happen in this life, because that is not the way that I am programmed.  

I am just grateful to live next to this angel woman, and to be able to bask in her radiating tranquility and peace. 

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