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Wednesday, November 10, 2021

Chaotic Structure


I have found that I very much need structure, but within that structure I need a lot of flexibility. I mean, I have 5 kids ranging from 14-4 for heaven's sake! Life changes direction on a hairpin and I need to be able to adapt and overcome. 

This morning I woke up around 6, which is half an hour late, for me.  Kip had climbed into my bed in the night and was showing signs of wanting to get up so I hoped if I stayed there for a little longer, so would he.  I cannot do my morning scripture study which begins at 5:30 if there are children there. They distract me so much and I am not able to learn much of anything at all. So I stayed in bed, in hopes that Kip would go back to sleep, which he did.  But then I heard uncertainty, desire, and indecision in my doorway in the shape of a little boy who really wants to be with his mommy, but isn't sure if it is too early, or if he will be turned away (let's be honest, when is he ever turned away?), and so he lingers in the doorway turning the possibilities over and over in his mind until he quite literally takes the leap onto my bed, nearly waking Kip in the process because he landed on Kip's leg.

And what that meant was that I stayed in bed much much longer than I had meant to because I had to somehow trick Vince into going back to sleep.  Which he did! But I didn't get any of my scripture study done today as a consequence, which 100% throws off my day.  Sigh.

Why didn't I just study later, you ask? 

I still plan to, you know.  I will not go to sleep until I have.  And I have been listening to Come Follow Me podcasts while I cleaned, so I was somewhat getting some in, but it isn't the same as having the scriptures open in front of me, my colored marking pencils next to me, my heart full of prayer, and my head full of thoughts as to how what I just read pertains to me, and how it will help me in my day, and in my life.  Hearing what other people have to say in regards to the scriptures is wonderful and educational, but it is not the same as being taught by the Spirit of the Lord. 

But my day has been dominated by kids, and my own distractibility.  Also, I woke this morning with a migraine because apparently I truly am allergic to pistachios and all things that are yummy and bring joy. At any rate, I struggle sometimes to attach the right amount of importance to tasks, and for this, I have not yet read my scriptures, and also because of this, my day has just been off. 

However, it is nearly 6, and that is prime Amy time.  From 6-8 is time for self care, and to me, that translates as going to the library tonight and getting a study room, and sitting in the quiet, studying and pondering the words of God as given to us through the ancient and modern prophets. I really am looking forward to that quiet time today. There will be no distractions, it will be quiet, and I will be able to just think and ponder as much as I want (within the 2 hour period) without things around my house that could otherwise distract me.  Yay! I look forward for this time with the Lord to be instructed in His ways.

About 2 (maybe it was 3) years ago I was praying about something, I don't even remember what it was, but I felt a strong impression (and have felt several confirmations since) that it is important for me to be outside every day. I need to spend some time out in nature.  This has been a very difficult instruction for me to follow, but if I am able to manage my time properly, I will be able to study for an hour, and then go outside and walk around for half an hour or so, and then I can do some outdoor (and in the dark) yoga for 15 minutes or so (which is another instruction I have received- the yoga, not necessarily outside and in the dark), and I will have been able to accomplish my main 3 goals of the day.  I have these 3 every day and it is a rare occasion I am able to complete all 3. But I know that through Christ I can be helped and changed to the point where these things will be a habit to me, and not something I struggle with.  

Anyway, I completely went on a tangent there.  Since the boys were both asleep on my bed, I got up when Beth came into my room, and we started to get her ready for school.  As I was looking for her school clothes, I had a very persistent thought.  She needed to take a bath before she went to school today. Well, that would make us late, but I am trying to follow those thoughts because in my experience they usually come from the Holy Ghost, so I decided today was going to be a late day. It was Beth's first day back at school since getting sick last Thursday and I guess I needed to make sure, one last time, those germs were good and off her.  Or something.  I let Vince sleep and I helped Beth wash her hair, and when she was finished with her bath, she asked if she could have her hair curly today.  

My little girl has the most beautiful curly hair ever! But I rarely get to fix it for her because we don't have a lot of time in the mornings, and she usually wont let me. But this morning she did and her hair!!

She was so happy to be back at school today! 

I do really hope that I can figure out a way to have that flexible or chaotic structure and still be able to get the things I need to do accomplished. Its a good thing that I always get to try again tomorrow to be a little better than I was today.  

And really, thank heavens for repentance!

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