Last night things got real. I got the kids to bed, the kitchen cleaned up, I straightened up the living room, bathroom, and Arcadia. It was 10:30 and I really needed to go to bed. Especially considering I had been up since 2:30 am with only a small nap (thanks mom for watching my kids so I could sleep!). I really needed sleep. Instead i choose to plan. I love my planner and I love planning out my week. I love being able to glance and see everything that is happening in my week. I stayed up until 1 planning for my week and you know what? It felt really good!
And then, I had the audacity to plead in my prayer last night, for all the children to sleep all night long so that I could get up and have a morning devotional the next morning. I told Heavenly Father that I would get up at 6 so I could pray and have a scripture study, and them I went to bed.
Six o'clock came much earlier than I expected it to, but I managed to pull myself from my bed around 6:30. I went in to Arcadia, got dressed, and knelt down to say my morning prayer. I was so excited and grateful that my kids had all slept all night long and I was about to start a scripture study!
And then Kip woke up.
So I went into his room, pulled him out of his crib, and we sat in the story chair. I rocked him and opened my LDS Library app, determined to get some sort of gospel study in this morning. I decided to re-read Rhee talks from the Christmas Devotional.
Heavenly Father loves us. He is aware of our needs. He is mindful of our desires. He wants our happiness more than anything.
As I read the talk by Sharon Eubank, rocking my baby in the dark, tears flowed as I was struck by how personal they were to me at that moment.
Our Heavenly Father is exactly like this. He sees little children, trying. Our efforts don't always succeed, but he knows how hard we are working--sometimes gritting our teeth and plunking through a disaster--and He loves us for it. For all of our dissonant, out of tune, unrecognizable music, He sent His beautiful Only Begotten Son, who is love's pure light. Jesus Christ will repair every bad note and redeem every sour overtone if we turn to Him and ask for His help. Because of the birth, the Atonement, and the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, we can all "sleep in heavenly peace."
I have been struggling with the fact that I try so hard and yet I seem to always come up short. I want to have a morning devotional every day, and yet my baby wakes up before I get the chance. I want to go to the temple desperately but every time I try to go something comes up. And let's be frank here, finding a sitter isn't the easiest thing in the world. And so reading those words this morning was like balm to an open wound. I have been carrying this guilt around for so long. Ever since I was pregnant with Vince, actually.
What a merciful and loving Father He is to help me find those words, just when the guilt is so strong. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and so grateful i could read those words in my measly morning devotional.