Friday, December 7, 2018

Exploding Emotions: Motherhood Edition

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It is mind boggling how there can be so many emotions felt in one day. Today, my day began with fear mixed with annoyance and bliss.

I woke up from a simply mahvelous dream. It was so vivid and sunny and warm in my dream. I was being treated like a queen, and I really did not want to wake up. Especially to a baby who was fussing. I lay still, paralyzed. It was 5 in the dark no-one-should-be-up-at-this-hour-especially-not-a-baby-especially-not-me hour. I tried to quickly find his binky and slip it into his mouth, hoping he wouldn't notice and wouldn't wake up completely. He did. I scooped Kip up, and we quickly slunk out of my room where Jeffrey and Vince were still sleeping. I went into the kitchen and got Kip some milk, and then we retired to his room where I sat and rocked him in the dark, humming, and hoping he would go back to sleep quickly. He did, but not a deep sleep. I rocked and hummed for nearly two hours. Every time I thought he was asleep I tried to lay him back in his crib, and he would jump up, screaming, and throw his binky Apparently he isn't a morning person. I was super annoyed because I really wanted to shower today, but if he woke up, that would be out of the question. You see, water terrifies him and so I can't put him in with me. And I can't leave him to roam the house because he is just a baby. I can't let him roam the bathroom while I shower, either, because he is super helpful and always manages to find the toilet bowl cleaner, and then either helps me clean the walls and everything else he can reach with it, or tries to eat it. Neither are ideal, and both gross me out to the umpteenth degree. And today there would be no showering during nap time because I was babysitting, and I just don't feel comfortable doing that. Besides, there are far too many variables. A 1 year old, two 2 year olds, two 5 year olds, and 8 year old, a 9 year old, and an 11 year old. And so, around 7:15 I just gave up. It was time to wake the other kids up and get them ready for school, and I had to say goodbye to my one chance for showering for the day.

Yes, you read between the lines correctly, I stink all day, and I am proud of it! Bwahahaha!

And so, already, by 7 am I had experienced a full range of emotions, and the day had just begun. Especially since I had stayed up late wrapping Christmas presents. However, that is also a good thing, because now they are wrapped, and put away, and I can actually enjoy the season with the children, instead of fretting about what I haven't finished yet. I aim to enjoy this month, and I will thwart anyone who dares stop me. But my point here was that I was already tired from staying up late wrapping presents last night.

I fought the kids off to school. And by that I mean, I fought with them to get dressed. Properly. Because shorts when the high for the day is still going to be below freezing is just not acceptable. And clothing is a MUST! Beth just doesn't like to get dressed for some reason, and I very nearly leave her every morning. She prefers sitting on the heat vent with a blanket wrapped around her, watching as the heat billows out the blanket around her, the warm air from the vent swirling around her, keeping her oh so cozy and warm. I can't say that I blame her. I did teach her that trick, and I love that she has really picked it up and run with it. She is my little furnace sitter, and it makes me smile. Except when we are late for school!

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I took the boys with me to the grocery store. It was sort of funny how many people stopped me and asked if they were triplets, or if they were all mine.

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Even more humorous was the audible sigh of relief from most of them when I told them that the middle boy was not mine. After that I didn't have the heart to tell them that my other 3 were in school. People act like 5 kids is a ridiculous amount of kids and honestly, most of the time I don't feel like it is. Just when I'm trying to herd them. Then 5 is an insane amount!

I did a bunch of errand running today, and I was so thankful for the DVD player in the van. Normally it annoys me to all get out, but today, it was really nice. The kids were entranced with the old stop time animation Christmas movies, and I was able to get my running around done without much of a hitch. Relief!

When we got home, I checked the mail, as per my habit, and I was so excited to see that the Christmas present that Jeffrey (I) bought for me (myself) was in the mailbox. I didn't expect it until January because it was coming from China, but, hey! It made me happy!

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It is a gorgeous ring, and was less than a dollar, so I splurged when I was doing the Christmas shopping for all the kids. I really should wrap it and let him put it in my stocking for me. Maybe I still will. But I really did enjoy wearing it around today. Every time I looked at it, it made me smile. Of course, I have already treated it so it won't turn my finger green, or turn a brassy copper color. Clear nail polish all the way! Because that is how I roll. After Keith flushed my gorgeous wedding ring down the toilet and I mourned its loss for years, I decided I will never again own diamonds. I don't need them. I am perfectly happy with costume jewelry, and if my children decide to dispose of it, I won't have to cry over both the cost and the loss. I really love the nature elements of this ring, though.

And then it was nap time. Joy of Joys! Hallelujah, hallelujah! Jack went down for a nap. And then Vince. It was really hard to get him to sleep while Kip wanted to play. I finally resorted to sitting on my bed with the two of them, and putting on a show. Keith drifted off rather quickly, and Kip tried to wake him up over and over and over. You know, sometimes I think they might as well be twins with how they act.

And then it was Kip's nap time.

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Just me and the baby, cuddling. I love those moments. I love how he snuggles close, and I can smell the baby lotion on him. I love the gentle caresses of my arm that he does as he is drifting off. I love that he sings along with me when I am singing him to sleep. I love all of it! Well, I love most of it. Just not the hour that it sometimes seems to take him to actually drift off. Ugh! Except I do love that. Just not when I am trying to get things done. It's a very ambiguous thing, really.

Once I got all of the boys sleeping I started on cleaning the kitchen. The deal I had made with the girls was that if we could get the kitchen clean, we could make gingerbread cookies. Ginger snaps, actually, because I just gave away all of my cookie cutters because we never used them. The girls put forth a valiant effort, but frankly, just got bored. 8/9 is a hard age to stay focused on something. Especially since Keith was wanting to play with them, and so they all went outside and I tried to finish up cleaning.

I eventually relented and once 2 counters were cleared off and the dishwasher was running, I started on the cookies. The oven was pre-heated, and I just finished mixing the dough when I looked to my recipe for the next instructions, and it said to chill for at least 2 hours. I am not sure why it had started with pre-heat the oven if I was supposed to chill the dough, but that is what I needed to do, and so that is what I did.

I have to be honest, it is really hard to know that there is a bowl full of cookie dough in the refrigerator, and I can't have any of it. I just don't agree with that at all! I may have to stop baking yummy sweet things from now on if I don't get better self control. I have really noticed a decrease in migraines since I started to cut out sugar. But that doesn't mean I don't really miss it. And it isn't the sugar so much, as the amazing flavors and blends of spices. Like ginger and molasses. Yum! I suppose smelling it can be nearly as satisfying, right? Right?!

The kids' mom came and picked them up and I promptly enforced a Mom Time Out. I locked the door to Arcadia, and sat down and just breathed. I sat in my reading chair with just the inside fairy lights on, and the outside Christmas lights creating a soft colorful glow through the window. It reminded me of when I was a child. That was one of my favorite things, seeing how the outside Christmas lights made my room so cozy and bright with the colorful lights. It just seemed to be warmer inside when the lights were on. I loved falling asleep to the glow, and hated the rest of the winter for its dark cold nights and lack of the big bulbs outside of my window. As I sat and breathed in the memory on my chair, slowly detoxing from the noise.
"And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise! That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!" ~Dr. Seuss
I don't hate it all the time, but I do think that years of migraines have made me especially sensitive to  noise. But when there is a house full of children, and they are told they must be quiet because of sleeping babies, the sound just seems to erupt out of them, despite their best efforts. And the sound is usually in the form of loud giggles, and laughter, and joyful screaming, and it is so hard to get upset over those kinds of noises...

...except when there are sleeping babies in the next room, that is.

And so, after a brief detox, which mostly came from transferring the emotions and the chaos out of my body, through my fingertips, and into this post, I got to put the little boys to bed once more, and once more I pondered on the many emotions in a day. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if Ron Weasley was actually on to something. A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode.” 
"A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode.""~ J.K.Rowling
Which is precisely why I blog. So I don't explode too.  But I'm not sure I would explode in the same sense that Ron was thinking. I think I would have so much joy and happiness, and all those other emotions, and they would just burst out of me, all the time. Which honestly, isn't completely a bad thing, right?

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Exploding Emotions: Motherhood edition. I'm trying to decide if this is something the medical community needs to learn about, or what. Either way, it is a very good thing I have a chance to sometimes sit and write and organize my thoughts.

At any rate, I've been up for nearly 18 hours now, and I may start hallucinating about my bed very soon. Instead, I'll just go find it.


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