Last Time Ever

Today I sat in Arcadia, rocking Kip to sleep and silently cried. He was nestled in my arms, one hand lightly holding the collar of my shirt, the other, limply hanging onto my lap. His breathing was steady and even, while mine was quick and jagged. You see, I had missed a last and not even realized it. Ordinarily that wouldn't bother me. Sending my kids to school never brought about the tears. Nor did haircuts, missing teeth, or anything else like that. Maybe when naps ended for some of my kids (Faye quit napping at 18 months which was far too early for my liking), but overall I'm not that sentimental. But today, with Kip, it was somehow different.

It's no secret that I suffer from migraines. My doctor was telling me about a recent discovery which is proving to be effective, in the medical world, but which I cannot take while breastfeeding or pregnant. I made an appointment with my doctor 3 weeks out (because that is the earliest he had available) and knew I would have to be done by then. In 3 weeks. Honestly, that seemed perfect to me. I would have 3 weeks to slowly wean my baby and I could enjoy and savor every single time with him. All of this happened last Thursday. Little did I know, by his choice, Sunday night would be my very last time breastfeeding my very last baby. And the tragedy is I slept through the whole thing.

Kip woke me up at 3:00, as per usual. I carried him into my room, laid down next to him, and he started to eat while I promptly fell asleep.

For the very last time.

And I didn't even realize it until today, which is Tuesday.

And now I sit, rocking my baby, crying like an actress for the missed moments I didn't realize were coming.

And then my dear friend Lisa sent me this, and I cried even more.

It's mind melting, how fast they grow up, how quickly they change. I'm not sure I'm ready to be out of the baby stage yet. I think if I had my way I would always have a baby on my hip, but my body is getting older and my other kids complain of lack of attention.

I'm just glad he still likes to cuddle to sleep.


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