The 3 Foot Tornado
What a doozie!
It all started this morning. Keith and Faye were out of school for the day. They are amazing helpers, and I was feeling under the weather so I asked them to please watch Vince for a bit so I could sleep a little longer. And they really stepped up to the plate and watched Vince so I could pretend to sleep while listening to them shout playing in the living room, cringing when I would hear something bang or crash, and pretending to be completely out of it when they would peak their heads into my room. I don't know why I didn't just get up and be a Mom. I should have because I really didn't get any extra sleep. But the longing, and the promise of sleep if I could just lay my head down on that soft satin pillow, the cool side ready to greet me and lull me into a sweet rest, everything would just be perfect.
Except I forgot about the power of Beth.
The three foot-living-breathing tornado
After a little more of me pretending to sleep, wishing I were sleeping, Faye burst through my door, and said in her all important queen of everything voice, "Beth is pink now. She is playing in your purse and she is pink!"
I let out a sigh of defeat, bid my pillow adieu, and dragged my fake sleeping body out of bed. I threw some clothes on (pulled out of the hamper. Dirty. Who knows how many times I have worn that shirt since it was last washed. More than three, I know that for sure. Good thing tomorrow is laundry day!), and moped out into the living room where I was greeted with a harsh reality.
Kids are messy. And when you put 4 of them together, with no adult supervision, there is some sort of cosmic force that summons all the messes in a 5 mile radius to settle in their vicinity. My living room was the current black hole of chaos. The high chair was parked in the middle of the room. The tray for the high chair was 3 feet away, upside down and covered in applesauce. The computer desk had about 12 cups sitting on it, all with varying amounts of fluid in them, some recognizable, some not. A Hansel and Gretel trail of ground up bread crumbs led drunkenly throughout the room, and there had obviously been a strip party, judging by the amount of discarded clothes lying on the chairs, floor, piano, and any other surface available.
In the corner, as if trying to hide, which I am sure she was doing, sat a very naked and very pink Beth. She was covered in my new hot pink lipstick. She was creative in its use, at least. And I wasn't too upset, because honestly, I thought I would like the color a lot more until I put it on, and I look like the 1980's Jem rockstar Barbie. Beth had put it on her eyelids, all over her cheeks, on her lips, and the surrounding area, and then, of course that wasn't enough, she then had to put war paint on her arms, legs, and (remember she is naked) all over her stomach. Meanwhile, she has completely emptied the contents of my purse and is counting my change, and trying to find places to hide it, albeit unsuccessfully since she was still naked.
I wish I had taken a picture, but honestly, she just makes me tired to my bones. I scooped her up, and plopped her in the tub with the water running, picked up Vince, and attempted to hide in my room, willing the mess to disappear while I fed the baby and rocked him to sleep. I put Faye in charge of staying with Beth and helping her to get cleaned up. Faye is an incredible helper and I would be lost without that girl! Except right when Vinny was about to drift off, Beth started screaming. She had gotten soap in her eyes. Keith was coming into my room right then with a problem, so I simply handed the baby to him, and went to help Beth. We got the war paint off, and most of her "makeup" and the soap out of her eyes. I drained the tub and scooped her out, plopping her into a lush towel. I quickly finger braided her hair so there wouldn't be tangles, and tucked her into bed, because I did not want to deal with any more problems from her, and I knew there would be more problems from her if she was awake. The only safe place for Beth when she is in her rampaging mood is asleep in bed!
And then I went back to getting the baby to sleep. Which was pleasant, and went about much too quickly.
It was a very short lived nap. As in it didn't happen at all.
Beth got up right as I was smiling my way into dream-land. And she is not the most quiet person. Keith and Faye helped her get dressed (because I had put her in bed naked, I just couldn't muster the ability to care about clothes at that moment), and they all traipsed outside, slamming the door behind them.
Thus, waking up the baby. Sigh.
My mother had called and asked if we wanted to go to her house for lunch. I jumped at the chance to get the kids out of the house, and away from the black hole of chaos, and into a more secure backyard where they could play and swing, and have a lot more fun than was available at my house. Because I don't have that awesome swing set that is both terrifying and intoxicating at the same time. Nor do I have those amazing climbing trees, or a dozen chickens to play with.
Not to mention, grandparents spoil their grandchildren. And it was my mother's birthday, so really, how could I say no?!
While I was getting ready, Faye and Keith were again watching Vince because I hate him following me into the bathroom, which he always does if I don't have someone else watching him. And then I came out, and his face was covered in sparkly, minty fresh blue.
~Kid's Crest toothpaste~
My heart plummeted. The baby had been eating toothpaste. **Flashback to when I was a kid and tried to eat the toothpaste and my mom got really upset and told me that eating toothpaste could kill me!** I rushed to my phone, and pushed the speed dial for Poison Control. With a Beth in the family, PC has to be on speed dial. I think they know me by name, now. So I called, and the guy, Daryl, was so calm and friendly, and talked me down from the precarious peaks of Panic of Motherhood. We determined that Vince had probably ingested about a tablespoon, and so it wasn't very harmful yet. He instructed me to give him something with calcium immediately, as that would bind the fluoride and keep it from being absorbed into his little body. As luck would have it, we didn't exactly have any dairy in the house. Today was supposed to be shopping day, you know. No cheese, no yogurt, just cow's milk, which I have never given to Vince before. I tried breastfeeding him, but he didn't want any. So, I filled up a bottle with cow milk (figuring he will be drinking cow milk in just a few weeks anyway), and we set off for my mother's house and her always bursting cheese drawer.
All of this happened before 1 in the afternoon.
Vinny didn't want the cheese, and then he threw up, and then he played, and slept, and was as good as new. As predicted by Daryl from Poison Control.
The kids had a lot of fun playing at Grandma's house, though.
There was a lot of running around outside, which just makes my heart soar. And the cupcakes and ice cream, of course were on point. It is my mom's birthday, after all. And it isn't considered a proper visit to Grandma's without eating ice cream! That is a tradition my grandma (my mom's mom) had when I was a little kid, and I love that my parents are continuing it.
Needless to say, the kids had an early bedtime tonight.
It's days like this that leave me in such a confused state. A small part of me wants to curl up and cry, but the majority of me can't breathe from laughing so hard. Because when the madness that is Motherhood happens in droves like that, it is just funny! The irony! The odds that everything would line up so that so many things would conspire to drag me down is just mind boggling and hilarious!
Now I need to catch my breath, and recharge for the craziness that will ensue tomorrow!