It was ridiculous.
It got so bad, I even stopped visiting some friends' blogs because I was so jealous of their cute chubby babies, and it was too hard.
I focused on trying to get other aspects of my life together.
I went to the gym, nearly every day, and that was my aphrodisiac. It calmed me, and made me so happy.
But then there were problems with Keith's preschool, so I had to pull him out, and he is the biggest homebody, doesn't like to go anywhere, and going to the gym just became too hard.
I was too tired to get up and go early in the morning like I once had, and I became depressed because I no longer had a release.
And I was so tired, Sleeping Beauty looked like she was taking a cat nap in comparison. Rip Van Winkle would have had a run for his money with the amount of sleep I was trying to get.
So, Jeffrey made a suggestion.
It was a wonderful, and painful and hopeful suggestion.
Why not take a pregnancy test?
I had a box of tests on hand.
I think First Response should have sent me a thank you card for all the tests I had bought. It was me, single handedly keeping them in business, after all.
So, early in the morning, November 30th, before the kids were up, I decided to try, just to see.
I held my breath.
And that second line, it was so faint, but it was absolutely there.
I couldn't believe it! I didn't say anything to Jeffrey that morning as he got ready for work.
I didn't say anything to him that night, but I did go to the store and bought him a pizza, bag of chips and some ginger ale. Those are his comfort foods. His celebratory foods.
As we were sitting on the bed, I gave him his treats, and he looked at me, surprised.
Why would I buy such silly things for him? Especially as we were saving our money for Christmas.
I presented him with the pregnancy test.
He just looked at it.
He got up and began pacing the room.
He didn't say a word, just paced.
The rest of the night he spent pacing, and was mute.
I eventually gave up and just went to sleep. I was incredibly tired, after all.
Poor Jeffrey was in shock. I guess I didn't tell him like I should have. I guess I should have waited for a better time. But I have a hard time keeping secrets. Not other people's secrets, but my own.
Especially from Jeffrey. I have a hard time keeping anything from him.
I think this is the first year he has ever not know what his birthday gift was before hand. And that was hard! Keeping something that I had been dreaming about for so long, something I had been aspiring for was next to impossible for me.
December passed and I was tired but not sick.
January came and I got incredibly depressed. I was so tired, and I got sick (darn winter colds). I live in the basement, so I didn't see a lot of sun, either, and as I have learned, no sunlight makes me a very unhappy girl. Between all of that, I just wasn't happy. I pulled Faye out of preschool because I didn't have the energy to take her anymore. I didn't want to be around people. So very uncharacteristically of me, I became a hermit.
My doctor instructed me to get out and into the sunlight more, so we began to take family walks. As the weather warmed up, so did my attitude, and I became social once more.
When March finally hit, I was no longer depressed every day, or tired, and life as I knew it was able to resume.
My poor kids had been reduced to orphan status during those dark months. Between a dad working full time and going to school full time, and a mother who just couldn't get out of bed, they were forced to fend for themselves.
Happily, things got better. Much better.
To Be Continued...
To Be Continued...