And so, here I am, recommitting to myself that I will record these experiences of young motherhood. I will savor the tiny feet and messes and I will do my best to record it so my children will have a reference when they are big and have children of their own.
This past weekend there were so many experiences I want to meaningfully record. Not just do a travel log, but really remember and record. I hope I can do justice to my thoughts and feelings. And I hope I can record them while not leaving out the important experiences that are happening in my life at the moment.
Last week I was trimming Keith's hair. He didn't want it short, and I was okay with that. I had trimmed 3/4ths of his hair. And then, he jerked.
Yes, I cut it short.
Which meant I had to cut it all short.
The monster pile of hair on the floor broke my heart. It seemed to destroy his.
Every time he saw himself in the mirror, he would burst into tears. He still does. He hates it short.
I didn't know what to do in this situation. I tried to comfort him, but his tantrums made me want to give up.
Friday I went to the temple with a dear friend of mine. The temple is such a peaceful place, and always fills me with such resolve and strength to continue through my menial trials. Friday was no exception. I learned something that really opened my eyes.
I have been too grumpy, too quick to jump to correction and too demanding of my precious children. They are angels for bearing with all my mistakes and shortcomings. I need to really love and cherish and enjoy them more fully. I love them more than life (which sounds cliche but is the truth) and I need to let them know and feel that.
The very moment I got home, my approach to them has been different. When a meltdown happens, it is okay. I let them have their meltdown. I let them get those confusing feelings out of their system. Before I would put them in time out for the tantrum. Now, they can have it, and when they finish, I pull the tiny quivering body onto my lap, rest my cheek on the sweaty head (sweaty from all the screaming and fighting) and just enjoy the moment. And I really do enjoy it. We then calmly talk about what caused the frustration and how we can overcome that problem. I really hope I can keep it up.
And it seems to be paying off.
Friday night I had a very late night. Saturday morning, Keith woke me up with a knock at the door.
"Mom? I have a surprise for you....
"Aw crap! Its ruined now."
I wasn't quite alert yet so I hadn't jumped up to open the door. Jeffrey came from behind Keith and opened the door for him. I have such a wonderful husband who had gotten up with the children and let me sleep in.
Keith entered with a huge grin on his face and a tray laden with a bowl of cereal, half an apple on the tray, and the other half cut into half and placed on the rim of the glass. While he was knocking on the door, the cup had tipped over spilling water into the cereal.
He was so proud of himself for bringing me breakfast, and I was so proud of him. He stood next to me with his eyes sparkling, a breakfast he had mostly prepared by himself in his outstretched arms and the sweetest smile which lit up the room more than the sun streaming through my window. I cleared a spot on my nightstand and gave him a big lingering hug, before putting the sweetest tray ever made down. I thanked him and told him I was so happy for his wonderful and charitable actions.
"Mom, my heart feels so warm right now." He said. He put his arms around my neck and gave me another hug. I honestly didn't know how I could contain my pride and love for that boy. His sweet cheeks were scrunched up into a grin that nearly hid his eyes. I love those cheeks and hope he never loses them. I told him my heart was also warm, and when we do nice things for people, we always get a happy warm feeling. I hugged him back, and he practically bounced out of the room, rushing back to his knights and castle. A battle was brewing, and he was needed to help defend the castle.
It was a hard day for Keith. He had several meltdowns. Which meant we had a lot of cuddle time. I loved every second of it. Keith is such a good boy. I really think I am the luckiest woman in the world to have such a sacrificing husband and adoring children. They take such wonderful care of me.
I am sad for all the time I have taken them for granted. I am sure I will, but I hope I never do again. I am such a blessed and lucky woman. The joys that come when I count my blessings are beyond comprehension.