Sunday, July 3, 2011

Get Real

Let's be real, today.

I haven't been around much. 

The truth is, things are really hard for me right now.

And when I say that, I immediately feel ungrateful and undeserving. 

I have so many good things in my life.  So many blessings, and so many people who love me and do all they can for me.

And yet.

I still struggle.

I have been thinking a lot.  Mulling things over in my mind, trying to understand my thoughts and emotions.  And frankly, I am still lost in a muddle.

But I have learned one thing.

It should not be hard to be the person you long to be.

And yet, I am not her.  Not yet.  Not even close.

It should not be a fight, a struggle to be the woman I see myself being.

I have had thoughts of giving up the blog on many occasions.  But that just would not do.  This is my journal. I want my kids to be able to see how they were as children.  My mother doesn't remember much about what I specifically did.  She had seven children, so it is understandable.  But because of that, I didn't even know what time I was born until a few years ago.  I want to see how I have evolved and changed as a woman, wife and mother.  This blog is my measuring stick.  I will not give it up.

I thought, and tossed things around in my mind to the point of getting dizzy, and I think I now understand my frustrations. 

Situations being what they currently are, it is impossible for me to be that woman.  I have lost so much control over little things in my life, and until circumstances change, I cannot regain them.

Since it is not like me to dwell on the negative, I have been working on some positives.

Big announcement:

I know what I want to be when I grow up.

Which translates into

I am going back to school this fall!

I am so excited and nervous and terrified all at the same time.  Mainly terrified for the Math.  I am dyslexic with numbers.  Math does not make sense to me.  But for everything else, I am thrilled and excited.  If all goes well (financial aid goes through, baby sitter goes through, my nerves go through), I will be attending school again.  I will be first finishing my associates, and then moving on to get my bachelors so I can be an occupational therapist.  What a relief to finally know what I want to do!

Sacrifices will be made, but I am wanting to be done with school by the time I am 35.  I have 5 years.  Its doable, right?  Stressful I am sure, but doable.  And then, I can focus more on being the woman/wife/mother that I long to be.  One regret will be rectified.  One insurance for our future will be paid. 


Lisa said...

YES!!! You CAN DO IT!!! You will do awesome! And I'm a bit jealous. But honestly - you deserve some control. And school will give you that! Best of luck! I wish I lived closer. I could help with babysitting AND math. I LOVE math! :) Good luck a thousand times over! you are amazing!

Natalia said...

Good luck! You'll be a great student, just wait and see.

Susan Anderson said...

Good luck, Amy!


mub said...

It should not be hard to be the person you long to be.

I disagree. I think if you look at things from this viewpoint you're always going to be frustrated and upset with yourself.

Life is hard. Being the person you want to be is hard. It's OKAY to struggle. It's part of life's design to struggle and overcome. Don't beat yourself up for having a bad time. Don't beat yourself up because you think you're ungrateful or undeserving. Take pride in yourself for waking up everyday and taking care of your family the best you are able on any given day. Just don't feel down on yourself because you're not yet Superwoman.

Confessions of a PTO Mom said...

Sometimes the person you long to be is not the person who you are supposed to be.

Terra said...

you can totally do it! And you will and you will be glad you did!

Familia Morales said...

Yay Amy! I'm excited for you! I'm counting down until my baby is in school before I go back for my degree. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be ;)

On another note: control is not all that it's made out to be.

Shannon said...

What are you going back to school to become? Good luck with your goal for this fall, you can do it! I am so proud of you! :)

Darlene said...

I am so happy to hear you have reached such an important decision Amy. It will be very doable for you to go back to school. Yes, it will be a lot of work and sometimes you may even regret this decision, but let me tell you, it will give you such a sense of self worth and you will be making a great contribution. You will need a lot of support from your husband and friends, but it is doable and I feel certain that this has been in the back of your mind for some time. Good for you girl!

Emmy said...

Good for you! You can totally do it!! Just take your time if you need to as yes, you are a mom and have a lot going on in your life, but you can totally do it!!

Francisca and Chris said...

I often think the Lord puts us in funks to encourage us to progress!!!!!!! If things get too comfy we lack the motivation to change. I can't wait to find out more about everything going on later this month and share with you some similar secrets ;)

PS: I'm dyslexic fully and math is my achilles heel as well. Take it a community college and just get it over with!

Trish said...

I definitely relate to the soul-searching stuff you were saying in the beginning of the post! I wish I could go back to school too! That would be awesome. Yeah, maybe I already have a degree but still... I'm glad you aren't giving up your blog. Its one of the few I regularly check back on. Financial aid is a wonderful thing. We got it when we were married and that sure helped a lot!

Carrie said...

That is fantastic news!

You know...whenever I feel stuck...I try to remember that in order to become who I want to be, I need to give myself that opportunity. It is important to continually learn, reach, dig deep, aspire...and until we actively pursue DOING those things, we will never give ourselves the chance to reach our potential. Life is always changing, and I try to remember that I can control changing, too;)

Carrie said...

and oh!

you are perfect just the way you are...