Sunday, July 3, 2011

Get Real

Let's be real, today.

I haven't been around much. 

The truth is, things are really hard for me right now.

And when I say that, I immediately feel ungrateful and undeserving. 

I have so many good things in my life.  So many blessings, and so many people who love me and do all they can for me.

And yet.

I still struggle.

I have been thinking a lot.  Mulling things over in my mind, trying to understand my thoughts and emotions.  And frankly, I am still lost in a muddle.

But I have learned one thing.

It should not be hard to be the person you long to be.

And yet, I am not her.  Not yet.  Not even close.

It should not be a fight, a struggle to be the woman I see myself being.

I have had thoughts of giving up the blog on many occasions.  But that just would not do.  This is my journal. I want my kids to be able to see how they were as children.  My mother doesn't remember much about what I specifically did.  She had seven children, so it is understandable.  But because of that, I didn't even know what time I was born until a few years ago.  I want to see how I have evolved and changed as a woman, wife and mother.  This blog is my measuring stick.  I will not give it up.

I thought, and tossed things around in my mind to the point of getting dizzy, and I think I now understand my frustrations. 

Situations being what they currently are, it is impossible for me to be that woman.  I have lost so much control over little things in my life, and until circumstances change, I cannot regain them.

Since it is not like me to dwell on the negative, I have been working on some positives.

Big announcement:

I know what I want to be when I grow up.

Which translates into

I am going back to school this fall!

I am so excited and nervous and terrified all at the same time.  Mainly terrified for the Math.  I am dyslexic with numbers.  Math does not make sense to me.  But for everything else, I am thrilled and excited.  If all goes well (financial aid goes through, baby sitter goes through, my nerves go through), I will be attending school again.  I will be first finishing my associates, and then moving on to get my bachelors so I can be an occupational therapist.  What a relief to finally know what I want to do!

Sacrifices will be made, but I am wanting to be done with school by the time I am 35.  I have 5 years.  Its doable, right?  Stressful I am sure, but doable.  And then, I can focus more on being the woman/wife/mother that I long to be.  One regret will be rectified.  One insurance for our future will be paid. 
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