Get Real
Let's be real, today.
I haven't been around much.
The truth is, things are really hard for me right now.
And when I say that, I immediately feel ungrateful and undeserving.
I have so many good things in my life. So many blessings, and so many people who love me and do all they can for me.
And yet.
I still struggle.
I have been thinking a lot. Mulling things over in my mind, trying to understand my thoughts and emotions. And frankly, I am still lost in a muddle.
But I have learned one thing.
It should not be hard to be the person you long to be.
And yet, I am not her. Not yet. Not even close.
It should not be a fight, a struggle to be the woman I see myself being.
I have had thoughts of giving up the blog on many occasions. But that just would not do. This is my journal. I want my kids to be able to see how they were as children. My mother doesn't remember much about what I specifically did. She had seven children, so it is understandable. But because of that, I didn't even know what time I was born until a few years ago. I want to see how I have evolved and changed as a woman, wife and mother. This blog is my measuring stick. I will not give it up.
I thought, and tossed things around in my mind to the point of getting dizzy, and I think I now understand my frustrations.
Situations being what they currently are, it is impossible for me to be that woman. I have lost so much control over little things in my life, and until circumstances change, I cannot regain them.
Since it is not like me to dwell on the negative, I have been working on some positives.
Big announcement:
I know what I want to be when I grow up.
Which translates into
I am going back to school this fall!
I am so excited and nervous and terrified all at the same time. Mainly terrified for the Math. I am dyslexic with numbers. Math does not make sense to me. But for everything else, I am thrilled and excited. If all goes well (financial aid goes through, baby sitter goes through, my nerves go through), I will be attending school again. I will be first finishing my associates, and then moving on to get my bachelors so I can be an occupational therapist. What a relief to finally know what I want to do!
Sacrifices will be made, but I am wanting to be done with school by the time I am 35. I have 5 years. Its doable, right? Stressful I am sure, but doable. And then, I can focus more on being the woman/wife/mother that I long to be. One regret will be rectified. One insurance for our future will be paid.
I haven't been around much.
The truth is, things are really hard for me right now.
And when I say that, I immediately feel ungrateful and undeserving.
I have so many good things in my life. So many blessings, and so many people who love me and do all they can for me.
And yet.
I still struggle.
I have been thinking a lot. Mulling things over in my mind, trying to understand my thoughts and emotions. And frankly, I am still lost in a muddle.
But I have learned one thing.
It should not be hard to be the person you long to be.
And yet, I am not her. Not yet. Not even close.
It should not be a fight, a struggle to be the woman I see myself being.
I have had thoughts of giving up the blog on many occasions. But that just would not do. This is my journal. I want my kids to be able to see how they were as children. My mother doesn't remember much about what I specifically did. She had seven children, so it is understandable. But because of that, I didn't even know what time I was born until a few years ago. I want to see how I have evolved and changed as a woman, wife and mother. This blog is my measuring stick. I will not give it up.
I thought, and tossed things around in my mind to the point of getting dizzy, and I think I now understand my frustrations.
Situations being what they currently are, it is impossible for me to be that woman. I have lost so much control over little things in my life, and until circumstances change, I cannot regain them.
Since it is not like me to dwell on the negative, I have been working on some positives.
Big announcement:
I know what I want to be when I grow up.
Which translates into
I am going back to school this fall!
I am so excited and nervous and terrified all at the same time. Mainly terrified for the Math. I am dyslexic with numbers. Math does not make sense to me. But for everything else, I am thrilled and excited. If all goes well (financial aid goes through, baby sitter goes through, my nerves go through), I will be attending school again. I will be first finishing my associates, and then moving on to get my bachelors so I can be an occupational therapist. What a relief to finally know what I want to do!
Sacrifices will be made, but I am wanting to be done with school by the time I am 35. I have 5 years. Its doable, right? Stressful I am sure, but doable. And then, I can focus more on being the woman/wife/mother that I long to be. One regret will be rectified. One insurance for our future will be paid.
Comments
=)
I disagree. I think if you look at things from this viewpoint you're always going to be frustrated and upset with yourself.
Life is hard. Being the person you want to be is hard. It's OKAY to struggle. It's part of life's design to struggle and overcome. Don't beat yourself up for having a bad time. Don't beat yourself up because you think you're ungrateful or undeserving. Take pride in yourself for waking up everyday and taking care of your family the best you are able on any given day. Just don't feel down on yourself because you're not yet Superwoman.
On another note: control is not all that it's made out to be.
PS: I'm dyslexic fully and math is my achilles heel as well. Take it a community college and just get it over with!
You know...whenever I feel stuck...I try to remember that in order to become who I want to be, I need to give myself that opportunity. It is important to continually learn, reach, dig deep, aspire...and until we actively pursue DOING those things, we will never give ourselves the chance to reach our potential. Life is always changing, and I try to remember that I can control changing, too;)
you are perfect just the way you are...