Thursday, December 2, 2010

Self-Inflicted Sabotage

Today was also a difficult day.  Not really comparable to Tuesday by any means.  It was just difficult for different reasons.

Faye woke up 4 times last night.  I finally had to put her in her bed and let her scream herself to sleep.  I had fed her, checked her diaper, wrapped her up and sang to her.  Nothing worked.  She has had a rash for the past two days, and I wonder if that is what was bothering her.  Regardless, I don't do well with little sleep.

Keith was an angel, but I felt guilty for letting him be electronically tended today.  He watched some television, played some video games on  I wanted him to read, but trying to deal with a screamy baby made things rough.  On top of that, I had one of my legendary headaches again.  Movement was not optional.

Needless to say, by 6:00 I was done.  I couldn't really take it anymore.  I put Faye to bed, scooped Keith up, and cuddled with him on the couch.  I didn't know why I was fighting back tears, but I was.  I wrapped my arms around him, held him close and shut my eyes.  He held my hand and snuggled in tight, while watching a science show.  At least it was educational, right?  I remember thinking that I just needed to get away.  I needed a GNO or something.

I have never felt like this before.  Ever.  I love being with my family, and never have I wanted to just get away.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes I like going to the grocery store alone.  But what I was craving was more than an hour's trip to the store.  Just time for me.  To be with people who fill me up.  To laugh, and have fun, and not have to be distracted every few minutes by a small person who needs my attention.

Keith held my hand.  I love that he does that.  He always has.  Faye wont.  She never has let me hold her hand.  She always squirms it away, so it was so nice and special that he, of his own choice, sought out my hand and was holding it.  I felt as if my heart expanded a little more with all the love it is trying to hold.  Jeffrey called, and Keith grabbed my phone.  He told his daddy that he had gone potty and so Daddy needed to bring him a treat.  I heard Jeffrey ask what kind, and so I whispered in his ear "Chocolate."

When Jeffrey finally got home, he came with a chocolate orange.  I love those things!  They make me happy.  I shared mine with Keith, and Jeffrey took over.  No questions asked, he just gathered Keith up, made him some dinner, helped him brush his teeth, and brought him to me for our Scripture Advent.  Then, Keith went to bed.  No fuss, just a big kiss on my cheek telling me I am a good Mommy, and a hug.

Does that little guy know how to make me feel better, or what?!!

And while I was sitting on the couch, nostalgically watching Charles in Charge, wishing I had a Charles in my life, and numbing my brain so it wouldn't hurt, and I wouldn't feel so hopeless or lost or whatever it was I was feeling, I saw a message in my inbox.

One of my dear sweet Hermanas (one of my companions from my mission) had emailed me.  She told me that tomorrow night they are all getting together for a sleepover and wanted me to come.  They said they had not been able to find me for the past two years, and so really hoped that since they had finally found me, I could come.  I called my companion, and we chatted.  It felt so good.  I have been missing them terribly.  They were some of the first real girl friends I have ever had.  And by real I mean the kind you wish you had your whole life.  The ones who don't back stab or gossip, but absolutely love you for who you are, and lift you up and fill you up and make you happy and proud to be you.

And now I am confused.  This seems like such an answer to my prayers.  It seems so serendipitous.  So why am I trying to sabotage my chances of going?  My first thought was so excited, and immediately after I felt a little guilty.  I want to go, but would it be fair to leave the kids with Jeffrey?  It will take a lot of gas to get down there.  The car is old.  Should I really put that many miles on the car (as it is quite a ways away)?  What about the kids?  Jeffrey is not a morning person, and they are.  What about Faye?  She still wakes up in the night and nurses.  Well, really it is about 6:00 in the morning, but she wont go back to sleep unless I nurse her.  And Jeffrey never even hears her.  Also, she has that rash.  She has been so unhappy lately.    Keith would be fine.  That boy can fend for himself as we have learned.  I am mainly concerned about how Jeffrey would manage with both kids, alone, overnight.  Especially since one of them has been sick and miserable lately.

I think ultimately I will go, but I will be second guessing myself the whole time.  All day tomorrow I will be wrestling with this.  I want to go, but is that being selfish?  Yet I always promised myself that I would make time for me.  I would sometimes go overnight without the kids or husband.  But did I mean when they were this young?  And if I don't go now, will I ever really go?


mub said...

Don't forget there is a difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself! I consider going out and having some fun away from the kids time to be taking care of yourself. You've been sounding like you need a break, so don't feel bad about it! You're only human afterall!

Musings of a Housewife said...

GO! The family will be fine and YOU will be on the mend. :-) As a mom of three, I can say that there are just some times when it is a relief to be away, and that is okay. :-)

Terra said...

GO. Go and have fun. Everyone needs a little time away. It could give you the charge you need to tackle many months ahead.

Sami said...

YOU NEED TO GO!!! Giving yourself little moments of "time out" will make you a better mom, and a happier woman. I have GNO's pretty regularly, and I don't know what I'd do without the support of my friends who are going through all the same things I am.
Don't second guess yourself. Don't feel guilty.

Susan Anderson said...

Go, Amy. It's providential, and you need to take advantage of this opportunity to renew yourself.

Jeffrey is a big boy, and he'll do fine. In fact, the times that I left Dave with the kids when they were young was always a bonding time for them. Even when things didn't go well, Dave was getting a chance to do the kind of active parenting that moms usually get to see a lot more of. I think it made him understand me and my role better, and that was good for both of us...and the kids.

You still need to have a life, too. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty for trying to reach out and grab a little fun and relaxation. You'll be an even better mom for having done so.



PS. Enjoy yourself! It's a GOOD thing to do.

Francisca and Chris said...

I went to Las Vegas in April to hang out with friends. Chris didn't tell me that he had set up the trip until the day before I left. He did that b/c he knew I would try to weasel my way out of it. I learned from this experience that leaving for a day or two is good for the soul. You renew yourself and can give so much more when you come back!

Go, have fun! You will come home a better mommy for having a little time to refresh. You are not abandoning anyone, you are rejuvenating yourself to be better for everyone.

Em said...

Oh, and I let Brennan watch tv from 730am to 1130 am. It was shameless. But necessary.

Trish said...

I wish I had girl pals here to do girls night out with. And if any of the sisters from my mission still kept in touch with me, I'd feel like a million bucks! Mostly its just facebook, but I'm about the same.
Anyway, I empower you to go to the girl's night out, and be fully present with them. Just imagine angels are helping your husband care for your children. Maybe he'll learn a little while you are gone about your kids!

Lourie said...

Well honey, I hope you went and had a wonderful time. I haven't done the overnight thing....unless you count giving birth. I want to. It's okay to go out an recharge yourself!

Familia Morales said...

Go, girl, GO!

How in the world have you gone so long with out a GNO or a weekend, or even a night away?!

I went to a TOFW and was gone for about 36 hours. When I got home, Pedro actually got down on his knees and kissed my feet! And that was just with 2 kids.
I'm leaving Wednesday for 4 days and letting him be completely in charge of all 3. Good luck to him, but I know he can do it.

Daddy's have it in them to take charge. They'll do it differently then we would, but the kids will enjoy their time with Dad, and even better, they will be SO excited to see you when you get back.

Have a good time!