Tonight has been a night of deep retrospection.
Amidst the mad cleaning, I began thinking.
I am not the person I was three years ago when I got married. I have changed drastically. Most of that change has been for Jeffrey, but I like the person I was so much better than the person I am now.
Tonight, to keep my sanity, I sat down and wrote. I wrote about the person I was and the things I liked. I wrote about the person I am now, and the things I like. And then I wrote about the person I want to be.
For me writing is my way of looking inside myself and seeing how I am doing. So often I just go about my life without really thinking how things are effecting me. When I sit down and write, I am often surprised by the depth of feeling that comes out. As I was tonight.
I decided I want to be a mix of Anne Shirley, Elizabeth Bennett, and Audrey Hepburn. I want Anne's imagination, her creativity, her home-making skills, and her laughter. I want Elizabeth's good sense, her wit, and her ability to laugh at her difficulties. And I want Audrey's looks. No I am kidding (though that would be nice) I wan Audrey's grace and elegance, and her great sense of style. If it were possible to harvest those traits for each of said women and combine them into one woman, I think that woman would be the perfect woman. And while I know perfection is impossible at this time in my life, I also know that it is something I can strive towards.
I have also been doing a lot of Jane Austen reading, and am impressed by the manners and importance placed thereon. Manners are not a thing of importance anymore. I think it is a very sad thing, and explains why society is struggling so much. People just don't have manners! I have developed a deep interest in them, and so am either going to find a good book from the library, or find online (bless you Google!) a guide to the aristocratic manners of the 1800's. I think it would be good for me to be more polite, and judicious in my statements. Besides, it would be a very good thing for me to refine my mind just a little bit more. Or a whole lot more, but baby steps, right?
There were many other things I discovered about myself, and who I want to be, but don't have time to write them. Jeffrey needs my help putting up the last of the crown molding. I tell you what, I never want to sell a house again. It is hard work! Or perhaps next time we just wont buy a house that needs so much work before we move in because neither of us are handy with fixing things.
Whew, it has been a busy day and we are only half done. So excuse me while I go laugh at my problematic house.
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