A School Girl's Romance Extinguished and Realized

I wanted to lock myself in my room.

Jeffrey had been home from work for only a few minutes, though, so I forced a smile and picked up the crying baby. Things just weren't going the way they were supposed to. What happened to my perfect ...and they lived Happily Ever After... life I had dreamed up? Why was it so unattainable? I glared at the mess on my floor. The overflowing dirty clothes hamper glared back. The basket of clean baby clothes just waiting to be put away laughed at me. They had been sitting there for a week. "Why couldn't they just go away for a few days and come back gradually?" I wondered.

From my open door I could see three boxes overflowing with books. They had been sitting there for two days waiting patiently to be closed up and put into storage. Now they were more so half full boxes and the floor was littered with books. Clothes ready for the DI were also getting strewn about. And the vacuum quietly gathering dust in the corner mocked me. As I looked at my mess, feelings of failure and inadequacy overwhelmed me. Tears neared the surface.

And then the bombardment came. Faye started fussing. Keith climbed up on the bed, bonked heads with me, and then commenced jumping. Jeffrey came into the room with a smile, doing a monkey dance and exclaiming over his girls. Too much was going on. I didn't want to cope anymore. I took a deep breath, and did it anyway. From beneath Keith's feet I pulled a book and he immediately dropped to his bum, and expectantly opened his ears for the story.

After reading the book for the umpteenth time, I put it into his hands and sent him off to read with his Daddy.

I could hear Jeffrey and Keith exclaiming over the pages of the book, and Faye cooing, and that is when it happened.

That is when everything changed.

I am satisfied. I am content. I am happy.

In a second everything was different. I no longer wanted to run away or cry. I could still see the messes, but now I choose to see past what I wasn't able to get done, and I am able to smile for all I accomplished today.

I have been in a cleaning funk since about October. I just haven't wanted to clean! But today... well, the kitchen is brilliantly clean. It looks beautiful. I would stay in there all day if I could, because it is so comfortable and organized. I was even able to get my antique copper tea pot cleaned and polished. It is now a shiny pinkish color instead of dingy brown. It makes my heart flutter every time I see it.

Keith's room is clean. We hadn't cleaned it since October either, and the piles of clean clothes and toys and dirty clothes were nearing the ceiling. I would have forgotten the color of his carpet were it not the same carpet that runs through the whole house. Thought I want to teach Keith to clean, it was nearly impossible to have him help me because he was so excited about each toy I unearthed. A job that should have taken no more than an hour took the better part of the day. I hate to admit, I finally succeeded because I put a movie on for him, and was thus able to clean without him underfoot. But his room is clean! Guess what, the floor is actually white. Who knew?

Dinner was a smashing success. I made a delicious spinach souffle that we decided to call Goblin Pie. It doesn't look all that appetizing, but it is amazingly tantalizing to the taste buds, and satisfying to the belly. And it was very healthy.

I then baked some chocolate cookies so Keith could wake up to that smell permeating the house.

I got the dinner mess all the way cleaned up before we sat down to eat so my kitchen still looks magazine worthy. If only I had some fresh flowers to put in a mason jar.

Tea/aka dinner and hot cocoa from my nice set were ready when Jeffrey walked in the door after working late (again, I just need some fresh forget me nots to go on my tea tray which is really an old cookie sheet, but will work as a tea tray for now.).

I really got a lot done today, I just have a lot to do still. But focusing on what I accomplished instead of what I didn't accomplish is sure making me a lot happier.

Oh, and did I mention?

I have a charming husband

I have two delicious children

and they all adore me. This is my Happily Ever After. It is more real, and better than I ever could have planned or imagined it to be.

I wish I had been brave enough to have come to this realization earlier, or even on my own, but I was not. I read some pure inspiration from my friend Stephanie. One day I will be as smart and brave as she is. In the meantime, I will just read her words of wisdom and learn from her.

I am happy.
And finally, I have a new outlook. No more will my days be gloomy because of all my blessings. They are many, and they are time consuming, and sometimes extremely heavy. But I wouldn't have it any other way. What a wonderfully lucky woman I am.

Now excuse me while I go and make sure my family realizes this.

For spiritual enlightenment go here


Natasha said…
You are a very lucky woman. I must say that you live a very busy life and I can certainly understand how you could ask where your happily ever after went. Hang in there dear girl and keep on praying, He will bring you much strength and take away that woman that looks like you but whose spirit is certainly not yours.
*Jess* said…
I have the same feelings about cleaning!
Vic said…
A clean house is a very Happy House!;)

Sounds like a busy lady you've been. Me too...Except mine is quite opposite!:(

I am glad your soooooo Happy! U deserve!
Laura said…
You are SO blessed!! I'm glad you're having better days...some days it's hard but you really do have to look at the positives and live for each moment!!
I had a similar realization the other day. I felt like so many things were going through my head and that I was never getting through my mental to do list. Finally I just had to stop myself and congratulate myself for all the things I had accomplished. I'm feeling good now because yesterday I even had time to turn on a movie. I watched Twilight but I got sick of it after about 45 minutes and went back to the computer. I didn't want Parker to see the scary mirror scene anyway.
Emmy said…
Thank you for sharing this. You are so right... it is so easy to stop seeing the good and how wonderful everything is in during the day to day chaos. But life is good.
Sue said…
Way to work through it, Amy! Sounds like you are growing by leaps and bounds, and that's what parenting is all about, right? (Or at least, that seems to be a main byproduct...)

I love the name Diapers and Divinity. I will have to go check her blog out, as I see her commenting over at Segullah now and again. She seems like a pretty neat lady.

Tiffany said…
a happy wife is a happy life...or something!

glad you're feeling better!
Familia Morales said…
What a wonderful attitude you have Amy. You are like the living "happy face song." You know the one from primary, "if you have a frowny face, turn it upside down..." You bring that song to life! I hope you have a fabulous day!
Counting my blessings keep me sane but it is difficult to keep the attitude of gratitude for the long term. GL w/your goals, I think it is awesome!
Lara said…
I need to figure this out better...how to live in the moment and be happy with it, better or worse. Because I have a really hard time being happy if my house isn't perfect. And it sure isn't most of the time thanks to three very messy children. :)
What a raw post... I'm glad you found your happy ending, ultimately! By the way, I love your new look, it's be-a-utiful!

Confessions From A Working Mom
Thank you, dear!

Happily ever after is totally real, just not exactly the way we pictured it when we were stupid. :)
lorie said…
that cd player that keith is holding is DEFINATELY mine!! how the heck did you get it?? I'd recognize that 'the used' sticker ANYWHERE!!!

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