Monday, January 18, 2010

I Don't Know You

I discovered a new occupant in our house on Saturday.

I don't know her.

She is mean.

She is impatient.

She is demanding.

And she looks a whole lot like me.

But I don't know her.

She seems to be taking over here, and since I do not know her, I have no way of combating her.

She is full of frustration.

She demands perfection.

And she seems to be setting up to stay for a long while.

I really don't know what is happening. I hear the words coming out of my mouth, and am shocked by them. I feel the tiredness and annoyance bubbling up out of me, and yet cannot stop it. Who is this horrible woman who has decided to inhabit my body? Who is this person who is so awful to those I love most? I don't even know her. I do my best to keep her at bay, and to find ways to make her leave me, but as of yet, she is taking over.

Tonight I decided to take a rest from cleaning and do a little bit of pampering. I pulled out my foot bath and my Satin Hands and went to town.

My feet feel great. My hands finally are not feeling so chaffed. But my heart. My head. My spirit still belong to her.

Sunday night I spent a good hour at my parent's house playing the piano. I miss music, and that used to be one of my releases. It felt wonderful. But it wasn't enough. I was unable to go up into the mountains this weekend, which is another of my releases. I am running out of ideas here. Really, Jeffrey and I talked about me going up to visit my sister in a neighboring state. Just for a few days to give me a change of scenery. I hate to leave him, but I am beginning to see wisdom in just getting out for a few days. But again, I really hate to leave Jeffrey. I know he is a big boy and can take care of himself, but really, one can only live on pb&j and cereal can only feed one for so long before the intestines decide to back up.

I also decided that I am going to take the kids out every day after their naps. It is more so for my sanity than theirs. I am hoping this will restore me to my usual temperament, because I don't know her, and I very much don't like her.

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