Monday, January 18, 2010

I Don't Know You

I discovered a new occupant in our house on Saturday.

I don't know her.

She is mean.

She is impatient.

She is demanding.

And she looks a whole lot like me.

But I don't know her.

She seems to be taking over here, and since I do not know her, I have no way of combating her.

She is full of frustration.

She demands perfection.

And she seems to be setting up to stay for a long while.

I really don't know what is happening. I hear the words coming out of my mouth, and am shocked by them. I feel the tiredness and annoyance bubbling up out of me, and yet cannot stop it. Who is this horrible woman who has decided to inhabit my body? Who is this person who is so awful to those I love most? I don't even know her. I do my best to keep her at bay, and to find ways to make her leave me, but as of yet, she is taking over.

Tonight I decided to take a rest from cleaning and do a little bit of pampering. I pulled out my foot bath and my Satin Hands and went to town.

My feet feel great. My hands finally are not feeling so chaffed. But my heart. My head. My spirit still belong to her.

Sunday night I spent a good hour at my parent's house playing the piano. I miss music, and that used to be one of my releases. It felt wonderful. But it wasn't enough. I was unable to go up into the mountains this weekend, which is another of my releases. I am running out of ideas here. Really, Jeffrey and I talked about me going up to visit my sister in a neighboring state. Just for a few days to give me a change of scenery. I hate to leave him, but I am beginning to see wisdom in just getting out for a few days. But again, I really hate to leave Jeffrey. I know he is a big boy and can take care of himself, but really, one can only live on pb&j and cereal can only feed one for so long before the intestines decide to back up.

I also decided that I am going to take the kids out every day after their naps. It is more so for my sanity than theirs. I am hoping this will restore me to my usual temperament, because I don't know her, and I very much don't like her.

For spiritual enlightenment go here.


Lisa Anne said...

Is that MK satin hands? LOL I love that stuff. I use to sell MK and it's the only product I actually liked.

Gail said...

Oh Amy, I thought you were talking about me for a minute!
A really good idea to do that for yourself. I need to as well. Will keep you in my prayers.

tinahead81 said...

hang in there. my evil half popped out a few times this passed week---well, sadly, more than a few. i think you should get away for a few days if you can. i always feels refreshed with a change of helps me to think more clearly.(not that i get out alot!) keep doing little things for deserve it...and keep talking about it helps to get it out.

i wish i had more advice for you...but know that you're not alone. :o*

Laura said...

Ugh, I'm sorry you're feeling so blah. I hope you can get away and freshen your spirit a little bit. I totally understand the couped up feeling, just getting out for a walk really does help a little bit.

Capt'n Amazing's wife said...

Sometimes I have days like that. Usually after a nearly sleepless night. I thought I'd never fall asleep last night but then the dream fairy appeared and it happened. She must have sprinkled the dream dust on Parker too because he slept from about 9:30 pm until 4 am! This is only the 2nd time that has happened. But I needed the sleep so badly. When I don't get enough sleep it weakens my immune system and I start to get sick. I have a runny nose and tingly throat- actually it was worse last night but now it is much better!
I'd give you advice but you have 2 kids and so I don't feel experienced enough to qualify as a good advice giver in your behalf. But I send air hugs your way!

valentine said...

i hate feeling that way, just irritable and snappy and just not nice to be around. it's especially sad since i seem to use up all my niceness (at work) on strangers and don't have much left for when i get home. not that i should snap at strangers, but i shouldn't treat those i love the worst.

thanks for the reminder to be nice to those we love.

Noodle said...

The hardest part is reconigising that there is an issue with your attatude... Once you know you can start working on a solition... I hope you the best and enjoy your outings.... you can always give me a call and we could hang out and let our littlw monsters play and wear them slefs out...

Familia Morales said...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You should take the trip. I'm sure you could use it. Besides, our men lived on pb and j, dinty moore and oven pizzas before we married them, they can do it again for a few days.

I found out for me that aromatherapy works wonders. There's a lotion at Bath and Body works called "Relax" It's eucalyptus and spearmint. Leise calls it my happy lotion and will gladly apply it all over my arms and legs when she sees me getting grumpy. Give it a try. Hopefully you'll find your release soon. Love ya much!

Emmy said...

Welcome to having two kids. I was amazed/shocked/surprised the things I started to do once I had two kids.

But don't worry.. this bad person can go away, it just takes a lot of work and knowing that asking for help and a break is okay and necessary. And praying daily that you won't go crazy. :)

Good luck! You can do it!!!

Kori said...

I can only offer what works for ME: tender, loving self care. I get up earlier than everyone else and I won't clean, do dishes, anything during that time-I journal, or answer emails, or blog, or even read for a few minutes-it helps me stay connected to that part of me that is ME. I walk at lucnhtime-and I know this might not be as practical for you because I do work outside the home, therefore I have that time as part of my work day. I try to eat good food and drink LOTS of water, and every night, without fail, I take time for ME. 15 minutes here, half hour there. I know I feel much more spritually fit when I do these things.

As for getting way for a few days, DO it; your husband will manage just fine with the boys, I promise. and it will be good for ALL of you.

Sue said...

Get yourself some sleep, give yourself some time, and cut yourself some slack. And yes, do take every opportunity to get out on your own...and even to get away for a weekend if you can.

You are adjusting to having two kids. It takes a few months. But it will eventually become second nature.

In the meantime, just do your best. You'll make the leap gradually, without even knowing it. One day, you will just feel like you've got your mojo back.


Chris and Francisca Hakes said...

My evil twin sounds similar to yours. Ice cream and a little bit of rest helps quell the beast. Hang in there ;)

Gina said...

I second the Relax lotion from Bath and Body Works comment. That stuff is magic. And just know that we ALL go through what you are going through. This too shall pass.

Lara said...

Amen. My alter ego seems to be here to stay. I really struggle in the winters.

Hopefully things will be better for you.