I went in for another check up today.
As I drove home I remembered a night two weeks ago. I was sitting on my bed. The lights were out, Keith was in bed and it was our time. Jeffrey had been studying in the living room and I was sitting in the mess I like to call my bedroom. I looked around me and the hormones kicked in.
Or I should say the tears started to flow.
Jeffrey heard the sniveling and came into the room. He tenderly took me in his arms and just held me tight (isn't it wonderful how that always works?). He asked me why I was crying (he is very patient with me) and waited as I tried to control myself enough to verbalize my fears.
Trying to say it out loud made it worse, though.
"I am going to be p-p-pregnant forever! I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I-I-I am an elephant! I am going to be pregnant for 18-22 months, and she is never going to come. It's just a me-me-mean joke being played on meeeee. I am never going to hold her, and am going to walk around with a huge belly, dropping things, runn-i-i-ing into things and always pregnant for the rest of my liiiiife!"
As I drove home today, these very thoughts were bouncing around my head.
She is measuring 38 weeks 5 days. 7lbs 6 oz and as comfortable in that little uterus as she could be. No signs of ever wanting to leave (could this possibly be a foreshadow of when she grows up and doesn't want to move out when she is older?). I have basically had no change for three weeks. I have been at a 4 and 75-80% effaced this whole time.
I guess technically she isn't due until the 30th of November, and I would prefer she be completely healthy when she is born, so if that is what is necessary, she can stay in there, but really? Why did my body have to start giving signs of an eviction? Soon?
So I have been home for a few hours now, and had the munchies the whole time. Nothing seemed to fix it. I ate cereal, cheese, water. Nothing was taking the munchies away. And then I figured it out. My body wanted something I really don't like. Chocolate! So I dug into the freezer and pulled out the chocolate chips.
I really didn't like them at all.
And then I remembered it.
A king size Snickers hiding away in the closet. It was being saved for the rush to the hospital. I hear they don't let you have food. My midwife said I could have some so long as no one saw it. The nurses would freak out.
It was calling to me. Reminding me that I am an elephant. The candy bar will be old by the time the baby is born, so I might as well eat it now.
And then I ate it.
And all was right with the world.
I can be patient again.