Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Free Flan!

As you know, it is Wednesday. That means you get to hear from someone other than me! I might post later today, but for now, you get to hear from the talented and snarky tArEn from Free Flan! She rocks. I rarely leave her blog without at least a little chuckle if not a full on belly laugh.

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This is the first time I have actually been invited to do a guest post. In the past I've had to force myself on people until they have no choice but to give in. Like the great-uncle who offers to sing at everyone's wedding. The Beach Boys are great and all, but you don't want Eugene singing "Surfin' USA" at YOUR wedding... ya know? Or maybe you do. Some people do.

That's where I come in.

Twice. I only did that twice.

I'm not very good with first impressions. Let's start this thing. Over at the flan I usually blog about things that bother me. Although, I'm trying to branch out and fit in an occasional inspiring thought or uplifting message. Today you are getting niether.

I have hated Golds Gym ever since they tried to scam me at age 16. They called me saying I'd won a free t-shirt. They tricked me into their facility with the lure of a new t-shirt, and they didn't let me leave until I'd told at least 3 people in 3 different ways NO, I DO NOT WANT TO JOIN YOUR GYM! I'm 16, and I drove 5 miles for a free shirt - do I look like the kind of person who is going to pay a monthly gym membership?!

I'm still seething, because they only t-shirt they had left was an XXL. Jerks.

I eventually forgave them, and I've been a somewhat happy Gold's Gym member since 2007. When my two year contract was supposed to end they kept charging me monthly, and used reasoning like "Oh, we just assume you want to continue your membership so we keep billing you until you call corporate and cancel." What part of 2 year contract do they not understand? Again, annoyed.


After all this I was planning to sign my life away for yet another 2 years. I went to the gym with the intention of leaving a Gold's Gym member once more.

And then I meet *Chauncy.

(reality vs. in my mind)

Alrighty! We have a couple of options... you probably want to do the 2 year plan again, so there will be a $25 sign up fee and the first month's payment....
me: uh huh.... (long pause). You are already annoying me, but proceed...

And due to inflation and all, and you know - the economy, the monthly fee has gone up a bit.
me: okay... Even Gold's Gym is blaming the economy now? I don't believe you. I think you want Chauncy's commission to go up a bit, because of the "economy" and those gold rims you've had your eye on.

But since you're such a valued member I will talk to my manager and see if I can get that sign up fee knocked off!
me: ... great. You know, I think I'll come back in a few days once I decide If I want to do this or not. So basically, you just tried to charge me $25 for absolutely nothing? Now I'm mad.

What's to decide?! You obviously work out! Look at you, you're in shape! You obviously go to the gym a lot.
me: hmm... yeah, I'm going to think about it. I just don't know if I want to make another 2 year commitment. Yeah, because this tire around my waist is just screaming, "dedicated gym goer!". Does that actually work? Do people actually sign up because you told them they were in shape when they actually aren't? Do I look that stupid? I'm actually offended that you thought I would fall for that.

Well, where are you going?
me: I... don't know. Possibly far... far away. Truth be told, I'm probably not going anywhere. I just don't want you to think the "you're so in shape line" actually worked.

It doesn't really matter where you go. Gold's Gym is everywhere.
me: Um... honestly, I don't know if I want to come back to Gold's Gym. I'm aware, thank you. It's one not-so-many reasons I like Gold's Gym. I don't, however, like you... at all.

me: I'd just like to look around some more... so, I'm going to come back later. Because of people like you. Listen up Chauncy, I'm this close to kicking you where it counts!

What do other gyms have that we don't?!
me: I... don't know. Less people, less annoying workers, less "personal trainers" trying to scam me every time I set my foot in the place, and less girls who come half naked hoping to meet their very own Channing Tatum a.k.a. someone who has nothing but sagging muscles in their future.

me:... I don't know. Never.

me:... sure. HECK no.

Okay! I'm here from 1-10, so I'll call you!
me: Great. You can call me, but I won't answer.

Chauncy has called 3 times today. THREE TIMES. Whoever is heading these sales meetings is seriously misinformed on the workings of the human psyche. The more you annoy somebody, the more likely it is that they will NOT do whatever it is you want them to do.

I'm so confused. Is there anyone who works at Gold's Gym who can tell me why you guys are so blasted annoying? No one chooses your gym because you called them 3 times a day for 3 weeks straight, or because you told them they were pretty, or because you promised them a free t-shirt. They go because, as much as they hate to admit it, you are the cheapest. Say it like it is. You're not fooling anyone. Also, were you to ask me if I'd like to continue my 2 year plan month to month I will most likely say "Yes, thank you." If you do it all tricky like, I will have called corporate and canceled within 2.5 minutes.

And I'm never going back to Gold's Gym.

If I can help it.


*names have not been changed.

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