I Don't Deserve This

It is late.
I just spent the last hour lying in bed, trying to get comfortable.
The longer I stared at the wall or even the back of my eyelids the worse that headache got.
The one I woke up with this morning and was my constant companion all day.

It is hot.
I think that is the reason I can't sleep. It is too hot for comfort.
Instead I lay in my bed contemplating the cause and effect of insomnia.
My midwife is wonderful and prescribed me with some Ambien. She thinks I may have Chronic Fatigue Syndrom becuase I am constantly too tired to even walk across the room.
Possibly it is insomnia though I may have never realized it before.
Or it could just be pregnancy. Who knows.
But I am afraid to take the Ambien.
I took one last night and woke up very sick this morning.
I blame the drugs.
So, I sit at the computer, wishing for sleep, yet not quite able to acheive it.
As I sit here I get to think of a lot of things and I just have to say. I so do not deserve this life.

My husband is the best. He treats me like I am the most precious gem in the cosmos. He is a saint. I don't think he has ever done anything bad in his life. An absolute saint. He is so patient and wonderful and loving towards me.

And then there is Keith. I think you all know what a great kid he is. Today he insisted I cuddle him for most of the day. He loves to sit in my lap, and really knows how to make me feel loved and needed. My mother in law took him for a few hours so I could get a break, and also because we thought I might have had the flu (didn't.). He called me on the phone just to say he loves me.
I think I have the best life in the world! And it is going to get even better as soon as this sweet sheila (Aussie word for a girl) joins our family. What bliss! Again, I say, I so do not deserve this life, but I am so happy to call it mine just the same.
Excuse me now, while I attempt the seemingly impossible and try to find sleep in the sweet arms of my bed and husband.


Lee said…
I am so sorry you can't sleep. I wish I had some advice, from one non sleeper to another, but I don't! Which is why I am still not sleeping. I hope today is a better day!
Beth in NC said…
Coming by from SITS roll call. I hope you feel better. Nothing much worse than not sleeping!

Noodle said…
I hate nights like that... I can never get comforatble with this big belly...I'm glad you have a great suporting hubby....makes this getting big and round thing so much easier... Hope sleep came to you and many more restfull nights =)
valentine said…
there is nothing quite so bad as not being able to fall asleep and the harder you try the worse it becomes and then you start realizing that if you fell asleep then you'd only get 6 hours, 5 hours, 4 hours! it totally sucks.
JennyMac said…
Ahhhh..love it when the munchkins give the cuddles. Hope you are having a great day.
How funny, I felt the same way last night. It took me forever to get comfortable! I was experiencing serious fatigue for a while and then my midwife told me that I likely had a yeast infection because of white blood cells in my urine. So I did the treatment and I'm feeling better now. I guess yeast infections are really common in pregnancy, with all the shifting hormones going on. Might be something worth looking into...
Stephanie Faris said…
I've heard almost every pregnant woman I've ever known complain about this. I'm sorry. It sucks! It's great that you have such a supportive husband, though.
I, too, have insomnia when I'm pregnant and it's not fun! But, at least my body is used to not getting sleep at night when the baby comes! It sounds like you have a wonderful family and are counting your blessings! Congratulations!
Em said…
HATE THE HEAT. can't sleep in the heat. air conditioner in our window to cool us off. refuse to sleep in the heat again while being pregnant. or not pregnant for that matter;-)

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