Thursday, October 22, 2015

Making Peace

Last Saturday was beautiful, wasn't it? It was bright, blue and sunny in the morning, and then it chanced into that lovely overcast shadow of a sky for most of the afternoon, with a few smattering moments of rain. And the air was absolutely delicious!

Also, it was a Nerd night. Which means our friends came over, and although we didn't do the usual nerd things, we did enjoy each other's company. We celebrated three birthdays, watched the VHS that I hunted for from my parent's house, we watched a movie that Jeffrey and some of the other guys had made in high school for the film festival, and we laughed so much!

Which was good. I think I really needed that, because today was incredibly difficult.

I thought I was going to be fine, but apparently, I am not as resilient as I thought.

I got the kids ready and we went to church, which was lovely. The talks in Sacrament Meeting were powerful. And then it was time to go to class. I dropped the kids off in Primary, and I went to Sunday School. I was fine.

And then the Primary kids began singing.

And somehow tears came, and I couldn't stop them. I tried so hard. I looked at the ceiling, willing the tears to go away, but my goodness, those kids sounded so good, I missed them so much, and I just couldn't make the tears stop. And then the silent sobs began, which sent me running from the room...

... and the bishop and his wife were in the foyer.

What an awkward coincidence for me, it was! Kati (his wife who worked with me in Primary until her husband was called as the Bishop) could see that I was crying and asked what was wrong, but I couldn't speak. I just shook my head and hurried into the bathroom. When I got there, I didn't know what to do. Should I lock myself in one of the stalls? And what then? I couldn't really sit down, and when having a good cry, sitting or curling into a ball is a must. But what if someone came in and needed to use the bathroom and I was hogging the stall? But would it really be better to lean against the wall and cry? And if someone came in, what then? Because that was incredibly awkward as well!

If only I could get control of those crazy emotions and stop crying!

But I couldn't.

And then my friend (and Relief Society president) found me. I guess when she saw me leave Sunday School, she had followed me out. She came in and gave me a hug and just held me while I cried. She tried to talk, but I could only nod or shake my head because I didn't want those wails to come out like I had had when I first found out I was released.

And it was so hard to gain control!

And part of the problem was I didn't want to go out into the hall and see the bishop or his wife. Because I didn't want them to know how poorly I was taking this, but honestly, I think it is fairly obvious to everyone that I am struggling. But I would hate for him to feel bad because I am not gracious with moving on or letting go.

And so I stayed in the bathroom longer, because I couldn't bear facing them. And Patty stayed with me, because she is an angel. We talked for a bit, and it didn't seem to help at all, but when the conversation changed from Primary and me, I was able to easily gain control. See, I just need to not think about it. And so we went back to class, and I just avoided eye contact with anyone in the hall.

And when class was nearly over, one of my favorite kids from Primary needed to find her mom, who was sitting right in front of me, and I lost it all over again, because, oh my goodness, she is so sweet and funny, and quite honestly, a ray of sunshine. When she burst into the room and ran to her mother, it was like sunflowers and summer breezes came with her, and when she left, her absence was so evident, and I knew I might never get to spend the same quality time with her again. But I looked at the ceiling, and the floor, and tried really hard to focus on the lesson, and I had brought some tissue with me, so although I cried some more, at least this time I could dry my eyes.

Class ended and I stayed in my seat. Relief Society was next, in that room, I didn't want to move, or talk to anyone. I couldn't talk, really. I was an emotional mess.

And I did fairly well, holding myself together.

I was invited to go into Primary the last 10 minutes of church, and I was so happy those last 10 minutes. And then church was over, and I got Beth, and Keith and Faye. And people stopped me in the hall and asked how I was doing, but because I was with kids, I was able to half smile and say that I was hanging in there. Of course, we did rush out to the van and hurry home, because I really didn't want to talk to anyone at all. It was too hard, and I didn't trust myself.

We got home, and I made popcorn, and I read some of my book (Death is a Lonely Business by Ray Bradbury). And then I remembered I had been given a beautiful coloring book yesterday by one of my friends, and I was able to pull that out, and begin to color. Coloring is something I have always done for relaxation. It helped a lot. All three of the kids came in and joined me. And because there was lightening and thunder, and it just sounded so lovely, we hunted down all of the candles in the house, set them up around the room, and colored in the candlelight. Keith drew in an invention book he got for his birthday, Faye colored in her My Little Pony coloring book, and Beth tried to throw colored pencils all around until we got her ready for bed, said prayers and tucked her in.

It is amazing how coloring helps.

I don't know if I am okay with not being in Primary. I thought I was until I heard them sing, so now I really don't know. I thought I would be okay and that I got all my crying out two weeks ago, but apparently my trick of not thinking about it fooled me into thinking it was okay. Hopefully I can find a way to make peace with this and be better by next week.

1 comment:

Randomlicious Memoirs said...

Oh I hope this week was better for you!