Today I was playing with the children. We had eaten our lunch outside beneath the mischievous breeze.
Macaroni and Cheese, Keith's favorite.
Cantaloupe. Everyone's favorite.
We went inside and Faye built a "castle" with a blanket, and Keith played with his castle and knights.
I began to wish.
I do an awful lot of wishing now days.
I wish for a house of our own. I wish for our own space. I wish for the ability to do what I want, when I want. I wish for my dishes and my decorations, and space. Oh how heavenly space would be! I wish for the freedom to give my children chores and to follow through with them.
And I feel ungrateful.
We are so blessed to have such wonderful family. My inlaws have been phenomenal. They let us crash their quiet home and clutter it up with Keith's clothes, Faye's bedding, toys, dishes from the drawers, and strange odds and ends that come with the normal play of children. Keith has made the living room his personal dressing room, stashing his clothes beneath the pedal of the organ. Faye insists on carrying her blanket and pillow all over the house. And their shoes are always found in the strangest places.
My inlaws have bent over backwards to accommodate us. They are so amazing. And I still feel slightly guilty. I have no doubt they love having us here. Especially Jeffrey. Especially their grandkids. Not so much me. I am that annoying pebble in the shoe. I am the rock in the well oiled machine. I am so dynamically different than they are, that I don't quite fit in. I can't be myself here. Not that anyone is trying to stop me, but more so that circumstances don't allow it. And they are so patient and non critical, and try so hard, but I cannot be assimilated without feeling I am losing a huge part of me.
I don't want to be anyone but me. It took me years (about 26 in fact) to be comfortable with me. To be the me I always wanted to be. To have enough confidence to not hide behind the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be and to step out in the light and let all my idiosyncrasies and quirks radiate. In part it was because of my mission. In part, it was the Red Lipstick Revolution (thanks again for that Em!). In part, it was learning who it is I want to be and understanding that I am ever evolving and I wouldn't be happy if I wasn't.
And so my very essence causes discord. Because mixing Chinese and French food doesn't work.
I miss the life we had. I constantly imagine and wish for the life we want. I blame all our problems on not having our own place. When the kids are upset, I tell them it will be different when we have our own place. That isn't really fair of me, I know. But I can't help but dream and wish.
We have been trying to buy a house for a couple of months now. Nothing seems to be working in our favor. It is hard. I seem to have stopped blogging. I am not really sure why. As with everything else, I tell myself "when we have a place of our own, I will blog then. I will be better at journaling our lives."
As if that should matter!
Days like today are bitter-sweet.
As my grandmother would always say, "It makes my heart soar" to play with the kids, and enjoy this part of their lives. At the same time it hurts so much. Keith doesn't have anyone to play with in this area. I have watched him walking around the yard and house, so bored, longing for a friend and tears have come to my eyes. It hurts me to see him so lonely. I want to give them the life I dream about in my mind.
And so I dream and wish and long and pray. Pray my guts out that we can find a house that will be good for the kids and good for us. I pray for the patience I need and I pray for support so I can be happy and not let Jeffrey know how hard this is for me because I am the French food being served in a Chinese buffet.
And I worry that I am spending so much of my time and energy on the wishing that I am missing out on the now. But I do enjoy the now, usually with a small pang that I can't give my kids their own rooms. Their own toys. Their own yard to run around and frolic in. Their own things in their rooms and not locked up in a box in a shed in a different town.
But there you have it. A little piece of my heart right out in the open.
Some people may call it excuses.