Let's be real, today.
I haven't been around much.
The truth is, things are really hard for me right now.
And when I say that, I immediately feel ungrateful and undeserving.
I have so many good things in my life. So many blessings, and so many people who love me and do all they can for me.
I still struggle.
I have been thinking a lot. Mulling things over in my mind, trying to understand my thoughts and emotions. And frankly, I am still lost in a muddle.
But I have learned one thing.
It should not be hard to be the person you long to be.
And yet, I am not her. Not yet. Not even close.
It should not be a fight, a struggle to be the woman I see myself being.
I have had thoughts of giving up the blog on many occasions. But that just would not do. This is my journal. I want my kids to be able to see how they were as children. My mother doesn't remember much about what I specifically did. She had seven children, so it is understandable. But because of that, I didn't even know what time I was born until a few years ago. I want to see how I have evolved and changed as a woman, wife and mother. This blog is my measuring stick. I will not give it up.
I thought, and tossed things around in my mind to the point of getting dizzy, and I think I now understand my frustrations.
Situations being what they currently are, it is impossible for me to be that woman. I have lost so much control over little things in my life, and until circumstances change, I cannot regain them.
Since it is not like me to dwell on the negative, I have been working on some positives.
I know what I want to be when I grow up.
Which translates into
I am going back to school this fall!
I am so excited and nervous and terrified all at the same time. Mainly terrified for the Math. I am dyslexic with numbers. Math does not make sense to me. But for everything else, I am thrilled and excited. If all goes well (financial aid goes through, baby sitter goes through, my nerves go through), I will be attending school again. I will be first finishing my associates, and then moving on to get my bachelors so I can be an occupational therapist. What a relief to finally know what I want to do!
Sacrifices will be made, but I am wanting to be done with school by the time I am 35. I have 5 years. Its doable, right? Stressful I am sure, but doable. And then, I can focus more on being the woman/wife/mother that I long to be. One regret will be rectified. One insurance for our future will be paid.