Thursday, December 2, 2010

Self-Inflicted Sabotage


Today was also a difficult day.  Not really comparable to Tuesday by any means.  It was just difficult for different reasons.

Faye woke up 4 times last night.  I finally had to put her in her bed and let her scream herself to sleep.  I had fed her, checked her diaper, wrapped her up and sang to her.  Nothing worked.  She has had a rash for the past two days, and I wonder if that is what was bothering her.  Regardless, I don't do well with little sleep.

Keith was an angel, but I felt guilty for letting him be electronically tended today.  He watched some television, played some video games on Sesamestreet.org.  I wanted him to read, but trying to deal with a screamy baby made things rough.  On top of that, I had one of my legendary headaches again.  Movement was not optional.

Needless to say, by 6:00 I was done.  I couldn't really take it anymore.  I put Faye to bed, scooped Keith up, and cuddled with him on the couch.  I didn't know why I was fighting back tears, but I was.  I wrapped my arms around him, held him close and shut my eyes.  He held my hand and snuggled in tight, while watching a science show.  At least it was educational, right?  I remember thinking that I just needed to get away.  I needed a GNO or something.

I have never felt like this before.  Ever.  I love being with my family, and never have I wanted to just get away.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes I like going to the grocery store alone.  But what I was craving was more than an hour's trip to the store.  Just time for me.  To be with people who fill me up.  To laugh, and have fun, and not have to be distracted every few minutes by a small person who needs my attention.

Keith held my hand.  I love that he does that.  He always has.  Faye wont.  She never has let me hold her hand.  She always squirms it away, so it was so nice and special that he, of his own choice, sought out my hand and was holding it.  I felt as if my heart expanded a little more with all the love it is trying to hold.  Jeffrey called, and Keith grabbed my phone.  He told his daddy that he had gone potty and so Daddy needed to bring him a treat.  I heard Jeffrey ask what kind, and so I whispered in his ear "Chocolate."

When Jeffrey finally got home, he came with a chocolate orange.  I love those things!  They make me happy.  I shared mine with Keith, and Jeffrey took over.  No questions asked, he just gathered Keith up, made him some dinner, helped him brush his teeth, and brought him to me for our Scripture Advent.  Then, Keith went to bed.  No fuss, just a big kiss on my cheek telling me I am a good Mommy, and a hug.

Does that little guy know how to make me feel better, or what?!!

And while I was sitting on the couch, nostalgically watching Charles in Charge, wishing I had a Charles in my life, and numbing my brain so it wouldn't hurt, and I wouldn't feel so hopeless or lost or whatever it was I was feeling, I saw a message in my inbox.

One of my dear sweet Hermanas (one of my companions from my mission) had emailed me.  She told me that tomorrow night they are all getting together for a sleepover and wanted me to come.  They said they had not been able to find me for the past two years, and so really hoped that since they had finally found me, I could come.  I called my companion, and we chatted.  It felt so good.  I have been missing them terribly.  They were some of the first real girl friends I have ever had.  And by real I mean the kind you wish you had your whole life.  The ones who don't back stab or gossip, but absolutely love you for who you are, and lift you up and fill you up and make you happy and proud to be you.

And now I am confused.  This seems like such an answer to my prayers.  It seems so serendipitous.  So why am I trying to sabotage my chances of going?  My first thought was so excited, and immediately after I felt a little guilty.  I want to go, but would it be fair to leave the kids with Jeffrey?  It will take a lot of gas to get down there.  The car is old.  Should I really put that many miles on the car (as it is quite a ways away)?  What about the kids?  Jeffrey is not a morning person, and they are.  What about Faye?  She still wakes up in the night and nurses.  Well, really it is about 6:00 in the morning, but she wont go back to sleep unless I nurse her.  And Jeffrey never even hears her.  Also, she has that rash.  She has been so unhappy lately.    Keith would be fine.  That boy can fend for himself as we have learned.  I am mainly concerned about how Jeffrey would manage with both kids, alone, overnight.  Especially since one of them has been sick and miserable lately.

I think ultimately I will go, but I will be second guessing myself the whole time.  All day tomorrow I will be wrestling with this.  I want to go, but is that being selfish?  Yet I always promised myself that I would make time for me.  I would sometimes go overnight without the kids or husband.  But did I mean when they were this young?  And if I don't go now, will I ever really go?
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