Thursday, January 28, 2010

A Love Unrequited

Loving an inanimate object is sometimes very discouraging. It cannot love you back. You put so much time and energy into your love for it, and you get nothing in return, just a lot of wasted time.

Yet that doesn't stop us from loving inanimate objects.

I adore my house. It was built in 1954 and I just love the quaint architecture all over. It has so much character, and more than that, it has so many memories.

I love the bookshelf built into the back of the cupboards in the living room. I love the layout. I love the hall cupboards and drawers. I love all the dinners I have prepared in my small kitchen. I love that we eat on the floor every day because we have no room for a dinning room table. I love that Keith thinks it is a picnic at every meal. I love the forts we have made with the blankets, and the clothes lines I rigged up in the backyard. I love the hammock that swings beneath the cherry tree and the apricots that made us jam. I don't know how I will live without the mint that grows instead of grass along the fence. A huge bush lining the whole fence providing us with herbs for tea in the winter, and flavoring our food so naturally. The blackberry bush with a will to live despite us trying to pull it up and hack it to pieces so we could have a garden. I just love my house! Even though it is small, and we have long since outgrown in, I still love it, and it makes me sad that I am going to have to say goodbye.

Over the years we have lived here (3) we have put so much into this house. We have painted the walls, gardened, and made it our home. We have brought two children home from the hospital and into these walls to feel our love. We have been safe from the elements (except the cold... that just seems to be able to seep past all our safe gaurds) and honestly, very happy in this little home.

Currently, we are painting, and remodeling, and frankly, I am jealous.

I don't want to leave after all the work we put into it. I don't want to leave after we get it perfect. I especially don't want to leave my ward and the many friends I have made here.

And yet....

The unknown beckons me. It calls to me, and with a heart full of excitement, I have to listen. I have to answer. My restless spirit cannot ignore such a call.

Although we will be leaving something that has been so good to us over the first years of our marriage, the promise of a new tomorrow pulls me forward.

And though we are hoping for a quick sell, I have to say, I sure will enjoy living in the house that is finally all put together even for just a few days.

And one day in the very near future, I will get to start all over. I will get to pick out new paint colors, I will get to arrange things differently, and I will get to meet new people.

And though wherever we go will not be able to love me back, my mark will be made, and I will feel fulfilled by loving something so completely, despite the fact my love will never be returned.



For spiritual enlightenment go here

12 comments:

Alyssa said...

What a touching post about ambivalence on moving...well said! Wishing you the best.

*Jess* said...

That must be hard (hug). I still think of our first home together with fond memories although we outgrew it quickly!

Emmy said...

You will always have great memories of that house.. but it will also someday be just a house. Eric and I had a home built in Lehi that we loved. We were only able to live there a year... at first whenever we would go back to Utah we would drive by the house. Now we will often fly by Lehi without even mentioning it.

Noodle said...

Make sure you take a picture of your house and all the little things you loved about it so you can share them with your little ones

starnes family said...

Beautiful, beautiful post. Really enjoyed it.

Sue said...

Boy, I really get this, Amy. I left my first little house to move into such a beautiful one, and I still cried like a baby. I had brought all my kids home to it...and I loved it! (Here's the lucky thing...I ended up selling that house to my little sis, so I got to sort of wean myself away.)

Our second house, though, I had to leave outright, and it was just as difficult. In fact, I wrote a poem about it that you might relate to:

THE LEGACY
©1994 Susan Noyes Anderson, "The Lyric"

Old house, you held a family in your womb.
You stood upon the soil with warmth and grace,
a sanctuary and a birthing place,
nurturing life and love in every room.
You watched the hearty agapantha bloom
with every child, secure in your embrace,
providing boundaries bathed in high-beamed space;
your orange-blossomed peace a sweet heirloom.
No last goodbyes will echo through our sleep;
you ‘ll be no long-forgotten, empty shell.
We mined our roots, but found the veins too deep;
in leaving you, we left ourselves as well.
Each broken, earth-bound fiber yours to keep.
Each golden, lonely secret yours to tell.

Yep, I was sad to leave...but you're right. A new adventure was and always is around the corner.

Enjoy!

=)

* { Shannon } * said...

Your house sounds darling {post pictures!} and I love how every meal is a picnic :)

Capt'n Amazing's wife said...

Oh the joys of "creating"...remember Elder Uchtdorf's message? I'll always cherish that talk. I think I'll feel the same about my house once we have to move out. But it will be fun to start again one day. Last night I was VTing and they were talking about designing their dream houses. I was thinking...woah what a big job! But maybe I'll been into it one day. For now I'll just try to find something I can make my own. And my house is definitely my own for now. I'd change the floors if we could afford to though. Too many other priorities ahead of it. Sigh...

Laura said...

What a great post. It's not always easy but I hope everything goes smoothly for you during this time!

Em said...

umphf, moving is always so hard. i always come to love where we are and we've never even made any improvements other than putting stuff on the walls. i just love that this is the place where i've brought my babies home to!

Momisodes said...

You're killing me here. I'm all teary reading this (hello pregnant hormones!). I have definitely been in your position before, and I remember how tough it was to pull away from a place you MADE your home. Savor these final moments and take plenty of photos of the place before you leave.
Wishing you all the best.

Bec said...

I know that we have to move every 3 years, and although while we're there, home never quite feels exactly like "home", but it sure feels like it when it's time to leave! So hard to say goodbye, even to our 868-square foot, one bathroom, hard-floored, nasty-carpeted, intermittently roach-infested base house with cabinets that weren't big enough to close with our plates in them, 3 attached neighbors and shared parking! But it was still our home!