Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Free Flan!

As you know, it is Wednesday. That means you get to hear from someone other than me! I might post later today, but for now, you get to hear from the talented and snarky tArEn from Free Flan! She rocks. I rarely leave her blog without at least a little chuckle if not a full on belly laugh.


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This is the first time I have actually been invited to do a guest post. In the past I've had to force myself on people until they have no choice but to give in. Like the great-uncle who offers to sing at everyone's wedding. The Beach Boys are great and all, but you don't want Eugene singing "Surfin' USA" at YOUR wedding... ya know? Or maybe you do. Some people do.

That's where I come in.

Twice. I only did that twice.

I'm not very good with first impressions. Let's start this thing. Over at the flan I usually blog about things that bother me. Although, I'm trying to branch out and fit in an occasional inspiring thought or uplifting message. Today you are getting niether.

I have hated Golds Gym ever since they tried to scam me at age 16. They called me saying I'd won a free t-shirt. They tricked me into their facility with the lure of a new t-shirt, and they didn't let me leave until I'd told at least 3 people in 3 different ways NO, I DO NOT WANT TO JOIN YOUR GYM! I'm 16, and I drove 5 miles for a free shirt - do I look like the kind of person who is going to pay a monthly gym membership?!

I'm still seething, because they only t-shirt they had left was an XXL. Jerks.

I eventually forgave them, and I've been a somewhat happy Gold's Gym member since 2007. When my two year contract was supposed to end they kept charging me monthly, and used reasoning like "Oh, we just assume you want to continue your membership so we keep billing you until you call corporate and cancel." What part of 2 year contract do they not understand? Again, annoyed.

ANYWAY...

After all this I was planning to sign my life away for yet another 2 years. I went to the gym with the intention of leaving a Gold's Gym member once more.

And then I meet *Chauncy.

(reality vs. in my mind)

Alrighty! We have a couple of options... you probably want to do the 2 year plan again, so there will be a $25 sign up fee and the first month's payment....
me: uh huh.... (long pause). You are already annoying me, but proceed...

And due to inflation and all, and you know - the economy, the monthly fee has gone up a bit.
me: okay... Even Gold's Gym is blaming the economy now? I don't believe you. I think you want Chauncy's commission to go up a bit, because of the "economy" and those gold rims you've had your eye on.

But since you're such a valued member I will talk to my manager and see if I can get that sign up fee knocked off!
me: ... great. You know, I think I'll come back in a few days once I decide If I want to do this or not. So basically, you just tried to charge me $25 for absolutely nothing? Now I'm mad.

What's to decide?! You obviously work out! Look at you, you're in shape! You obviously go to the gym a lot.
me: hmm... yeah, I'm going to think about it. I just don't know if I want to make another 2 year commitment. Yeah, because this tire around my waist is just screaming, "dedicated gym goer!". Does that actually work? Do people actually sign up because you told them they were in shape when they actually aren't? Do I look that stupid? I'm actually offended that you thought I would fall for that.

Well, where are you going?
me: I... don't know. Possibly far... far away. Truth be told, I'm probably not going anywhere. I just don't want you to think the "you're so in shape line" actually worked.

It doesn't really matter where you go. Gold's Gym is everywhere.
me: Um... honestly, I don't know if I want to come back to Gold's Gym. I'm aware, thank you. It's one not-so-many reasons I like Gold's Gym. I don't, however, like you... at all.

Why?!?!
me: I'd just like to look around some more... so, I'm going to come back later. Because of people like you. Listen up Chauncy, I'm this close to kicking you where it counts!

What do other gyms have that we don't?!
me: I... don't know. Less people, less annoying workers, less "personal trainers" trying to scam me every time I set my foot in the place, and less girls who come half naked hoping to meet their very own Channing Tatum a.k.a. someone who has nothing but sagging muscles in their future.

When?
me:... I don't know. Never.

Tomorrow?!
me:... sure. HECK no.

Okay! I'm here from 1-10, so I'll call you!
me: Great. You can call me, but I won't answer.

Chauncy has called 3 times today. THREE TIMES. Whoever is heading these sales meetings is seriously misinformed on the workings of the human psyche. The more you annoy somebody, the more likely it is that they will NOT do whatever it is you want them to do.

I'm so confused. Is there anyone who works at Gold's Gym who can tell me why you guys are so blasted annoying? No one chooses your gym because you called them 3 times a day for 3 weeks straight, or because you told them they were pretty, or because you promised them a free t-shirt. They go because, as much as they hate to admit it, you are the cheapest. Say it like it is. You're not fooling anyone. Also, were you to ask me if I'd like to continue my 2 year plan month to month I will most likely say "Yes, thank you." If you do it all tricky like, I will have called corporate and canceled within 2.5 minutes.

And I'm never going back to Gold's Gym.

If I can help it.

Love,
Taren

*names have not been changed.


8 comments:

Familia Morales said...

Ha Ha! Love it!

Megs said...

heehhe.
i would just like to let everyone know i told chauncy off last night. he called taren one last time while we were on our way to salt lake, i answered and said 'she would like you to stop calling. period. the end' he said, 'ok i think i can do that.'

thank you chauncy.

i'm seriously rethinking the two years that i signed up for a month ago. crap.

Taren said...

yep, a few typos... oh well. forgive me! :)

mub said...

If you tell people you're moving out of the country they usually give up pretty quickly ;)

warmchocmilk said...

I can't stand it when companies pester me. How annoying!!

Capt'n Amazing's wife said...

The "free flan" link doesn't work. Just so you know. I wanted to find out where Taren lives. I know that the Golds gyms in Utah work differently than down here in Texas. Here, each one is corporately owned and in Utah they are all franchises. So in my opinion, since I've been a member of both (and now an employee), the franchises are more likely to treat you like that. But you are also more likely to get a better deal at a franchised location. Anyway, I agree that is super annoying how you were treated, but in all my time being a member at Gold's they have never done anything like that to me. I'm pretty happy because I'm not teaching any classes right now but I have a free membership! It's awesome! So I can't say that I share the abhorrence for them that you have. But if I had been through your situation then I probably would.

Lisa Anne said...

All freakin gyms are like, especially scummy 24hr fitness and Balley I've found to be the worst. they call and call and call evern though you tell them 10 times to you alone. It's why I don't join a gym or complete those free membership cards you stick in a box cause it's a scam. yeah I knew a salesguy and it's a scam there is no free anything. they just want your info so they can harass you! LAME

Jeff said...

Golds Gym is NOT everywhere. I "won" some sort of prize package from Golds Gym once. A Chauncy-like dude called me up and told me about it. As soon as I heard him say that a "fanny-pack" was part of the prize package, I knew it was all a scheme to get me in there to sign me up. Also, it became clear that he was interested in much more than just giving me a prize package when he called me 3 times a day. I fortunately caught on before you, 16 year old Taren, did. Finally he called and I answered and told him that it was all clearly about signing me up and that there's no Golds Gym in Logan where I spend my time. Suddenly he wasn't so anxious to give me my awesome prize package... fanny-pack included.