Daily Goal: Get to IKEA to pick up birthday gift for Keith.
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Daily Goal: Get to IKEA to pick up birthday gift for Keith.
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
Back to the baby. On the 14th I went in for my weekly checkup with my midwife. She again was shocked that I still hadn't had the baby. She checked me, and I was dilated to 4 cm. Still. I had been sitting at 4 cm for a month now. 4 cm and 75% effaced. For a month! No change. I had been drinking red raspberry leaf tea, I had been going for walks, I had been talking to my baby, trying to encourage him to come, that the world wasn't such a scary place when you have a family that loves you. I tried spicy foods, and *ahem* other modes of getting the baby out, but nothing doing. Nothing had budged and I sat, unchanged, still at 4 cm and 75%. It was getting a little frustrating. But I was determined that I wasn't going to get started, I wanted my body to do everything on its own. Besides, at this point in time, my baby still was nameless. I was okay with having a few more days to find a name that would be absolutely perfect for my little guy. Except at this appointment Christy my midwife said something that changed everything. She asked how old I am. 35 in case anyone else is wondering. She then said that it makes her very nervous when people of my age (that doesn't make me feel old at all. Noooooo.) go close to, or even pass their due date, she worries. Evidently the incidence of still births are much higher for women 35 and older, and the closer to and past the due date a baby goes, the higher its chances to be stillborn are. And then she suggested inducing me.
Well, when you put it that way, there is no way I could possibly say no! I live in fear of having a stillborn baby. Or a baby die of SIDS, too. Or really, having any child pass on before me. I think most mothers are the same way, to be honest. But, with that idea lingering in the air, we set up an induction date. I wanted it to be the 19th of September, but she already had one for that day, so I needed to chose something else. She suggested the 16th, which would have been that Saturday. Only 2 days away! With much trepidation in my heart, we went ahead and scheduled it.
Friday night came, and we went out to dinner with our dear friends Shaun and Lisa. We talked and laughed, and gosh I love those two! I am so glad that Shaun married Lisa last year because I just adore her! Anyway, we went out to eat, and we visited, and it was a wonderful distraction from my nerves. I know if I had been sitting at home, I would have been an absolute mess! Even at the restaurant I had moments of panic which passed quickly, because I wasn't able to dwell on them.
Saturday morning dawned bright and early. The hospital called me at 6 to say that they didn't want me to come in at 7 after all. They said they would call me around 9. 9 came and went, and I finally called them around 9:45. They said the charge nurse would call me back. I hadn't heard anything, so I texted Christy around 10:30. She said they had told her they would want me in around 11. At 11 I still hadn't heard anything, so I decided to be proactive. I wasn't going to just sit around and wait anymore, because I was feeling so anxious and useless and frustrated because I was being kept in suspended anticipation. We packed the overnight bags for the kids in the van. Their bags had been packed for weeks! We loaded everyone into the van, and we headed out. Keith and Faye were going to stay with their cousins, and Beth and Vince were going to stay with my parents. We felt it would be a lot easier on whoever had the kids, to split them up, and I must say, it worked remarkably well! The kids were all excited to get to have a sleep-over, because we don't do those. After the kids were safely deposited, Jeffrey and I went out to get some lunch, and then we headed to the hospital, still waiting for their phone call. As we were pulling into the parking lot of the hospital, my phone rang, and they asked us to be there in an hour.
So we got to have a picnic in the parking lot of Labor and Delivery. Jeffrey knew I was going crazy with waiting, so he suggested we walk. We did have an hour to kill, after all.
We got out of the van, and memories flooded me. The hospital is directly across the street from my late grandparent's condo. I used to roam the fields that have since been turned into apartments and office buildings. I loved to run around in the rain. The harder the rain the better. The smell of the damp earth, the sage brush and the weeds was intoxicating to me, and I loved the feel of the rain, drenching me as I ran beneath the Russian olive trees. I really did have a sort of idyllic childhood. There is only a small portion of that field and the grove of trees left, an island of the past being choked out by modern living, and the demand for more. Since everything else around was parking lot, of course, we headed for the fields and trees.
We would have anyway, because that is where I am happiest. That is where my soul finds peace and is able to recharge.
As we stepped from the sun baked pavement onto the hardened soil, my heart gave a sigh of relief, and all of my worries stayed piled nicely on that pavement, waiting for me to return. But in the meantime, I was free of them, and I was happy. Literally and genuinely happy, a huge smile etched onto my face, completely of its own accord. We walked hand in hand down a little trail, curious where it would lead us. I breathed deeply, willing myself to remember every little detail. The bumpy terrain, the trail with random muddy spots, the dappled pathway with the sun playing with the dust and particles in the air. It was simply magnificent! Soon, it was as if we had stepped into another world. No longer could we hear the rush of cars or the hurry in the air. Everything was peaceful and calm, with no need to scurry. Birds were chirping, and grasshoppers were jumping out of our way as we walked, leading our procession deeper into the shadows of the trees. We rounded a bend where the trail split off in three directions, and I wished I could split myself and go down all three. Jeffrey and I laughed and talked, enjoying the moment. We heard a rustle in the trees to our left, and no more than 20 feet in front of us, a deer gracefully leaped out of the brush, and bounded away. She was magnificent! And it was decided for us. Obviously we would have to follow the deer. That was the only trail we could go down. We soon enough found her lair, but no other sign of her. She was long gone, and the trail ended abruptly into a rocky stream bed that had gone dry.
Sunday, August 6, 2017
"Oh midnight’s not bad, you wake and go back to sleep, one or two’s not bad, you toss but sleep again. Five or six in the morning, there’s hope, for dawn’s just under the horizon. But three, now, three A.M.! Doctors say the body’s at low tide then. The soul is out. The blood moves slow. You’re the nearest to dead you’ll ever be save dying. Sleep is a patch of death, but three in the morn, full wide-eyed staring, is living death! You dream with your eyes open. If you had strength to rouse up, you’d slaughter your half-dreams with buckshot! But no, you lie pinned to a deep well-bottom that’s burned dry. The moon rolls by to look at you down there, with its idiot face. It’s a long way back to sunset, a far way on to dawn, so you summon all the fool things of your life, the stupid lovely things done with people known so very well who are now so very dead – And wasn’t it true, had he read somewhere, more people in hospitals die at 3 A.M. than at any other time..."
~Ray Bradbury from Something Wicked This Way Comes. Swears removed by me.
I sleep like a baby, usually. No, better than a baby! I know this because Vince doesn't sleep well unless he is kicking or headbutting someone. And I've never had those complaints from people I've fallen asleep near. These past few weeks, however, have been a bit more difficult sleep wise for me. Why? I couldn't figure it out at first, but then I did. I have a list of things to do, a mile long, that have to be done before babyman makes his grand entrance. And it is a domino effect of not being able to do one thing until the other is completed. And so, I've been laying awake, full wide-eyed, starting death in the face, just wishing, dreaming for the sweet release of sleep. The release from my worries, because during the day I don't allow myself, don't have time to worry. But when the quiet of night rolls around, and everyone is sleeping peacefully in their beds, that is when my mind decides to go into overdrive and worry. Because my hospital bag isn't packed! Never mind the fact I still have roughly 5 weeks until my due date. Or we don't have a bassinet for baby, or a name! Our the mountain of other things that are necessary. And so my mind races. Irrationally, usually.
But the sleeples nights and racing thoughts have come in handy. On Friday I decided I was just going to bite the bullet and get started on things. We have to move kids around, but before we can do that, we have to build a wall in one of the rooms to separate themail furnace from the room. I have been waiting for that wall for months and finally decided to just go ahead and move Keith's things in there. But first, apparently, I had to move all of Jeffrey's things out. I thought he had already done that.
The good news is Keith has a new bedroom! He is so excited for it, and frankly, so am I! It took a lot of sweat and tears, and honestly, the family room now looks like a war zone. It is quite overwhelming, not to mention the laundry room aka Jeffrey's new office. It is practically impossible to walk around in there. But I am choosing to focus on the victories right now. Because every step means I have one less worry, which means blissful sleep again. And I am fully aware that that will be a rare treat in a couple of weeks. Granted, he has to sleep on the couch now because his bed is in a room with the furnace, which is just a little dangerous. Until we get that wall up, though, he is going to have to get creative where he sleeps. I'm hoping it will help light a fire beneath Jeffrey to get it taken care of, and that it will be done soon.
Also, I got Vince's room cleaned up. It's been overwhelming because anytime I get something for the baby, it gets thrown in there. And we switched him to a toddler bed a month or two ago because I could no longer bend over the crib to put him to bed. It put too much pressure on the baby. So the crib has been in the middle of the room, hogging all of the space as that is the smallest room in the house. It has been such a relief to get it cleaned up in there, and the crib pushed up against the wall because I put the bookshelf in the closet. So both boys have their bedrooms put together! Now I am trying to decide if I should put the upstairs back together (it has been sorely neglected since I've been working on those other projects), work on the family room train wreck, or help Faye get her upstairs room cleaned up so she can get moved downstairs into Keith's old room. We can't take apart the bunk beds because quite bluntly, her carpet is completely covered by junk. It's as if she wants to preserve it by never walking on it or letting the sun shine on it. Keep it safe from the wear and tear of life by covering it with every article of clothing, book, or toy she owns. Lately, however, Jeffrey and I have been laughing at the poetic justice. For years, any time we tried to help her clean her room, she would sit and play, or watch us, but would never help. It was so frustrating! Now, though, she has those exact complaints about Beth and we just laugh and laugh! Her current obsession is Anne of Green Gables, and she has told me she wants to have her room be just like Anne's. We have had many talks that this will entail actually cleaning it every day, because Anne was neat and tidy. Faye has high hopes, and I am so excited and optimistic that she can actually do it! And then I will have to move Vince into the room with Beth, launder and sort nearly 2 years of clothes because I have been given clothes for baby, and when Vince grew out of something I just tossed it into a "too small" bin and so have no idea on what I actually have. I need to fix the toilet in the basement bathroom, paint the bathroom because it is still just naked sheet rock, and figure out how to assemble the folding door that goes on that bathroom, so Keith will actually be able to use it.
Yay! Baby steps to completion!
If only sleep were so predictable and methodical.
Saturday, July 29, 2017
We had tea and toast. A simple but favorite around here. Keith commented he misses eating breakfast together, so it is something I am going to work on. Hopefully the habit can be formed before little baby man joins our parade.
The rest of the morning consisted of me trying to deep clean and struggling to get them to listen or help.
I did not yell... much. I am very surprised with that turn of events, that I was able to mostly stay calm. Yay!
I am so proud of everything we got done today! The living room is now de-cluttered and cleaned out. It looks so bare and makes me super excited for those fall decorations I am frantically trying to hold myself back because putting up fall decor in the middle of July is just a little too weird. It will make me so happy to have it up, and all of my great autumn/Halloween books out, but to keep societal norms from locking me up, I oblige sometimes, with things like waiting until it is almost September. Meanwhile, we prep. The house smells like an autumn meander through rich amber and copper fields, though, and that makes me happy, too.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
This month for our Relief Society activity it was all about recording your personal history, and how it doesn't have to be difficult. It doesn't have to be from the very beginning, either. We talked about photo journaling and blogging and traditional scrapbooking, as well as recording everything with a pen and paper. Just finding your own style and doing it.
And so now, the kids are finally in bed, I am home from my meeting, and feeling a little guilty if I don't record something!
Yesterday was a migraine day. It was pretty miserable. I think it was stress induced as I was preparing for and worrying about my part of tonight's presentation. I cancelled on the missonaries who wanted to come over and do FHE with us, but my head couldn't handle it. The day is basically a blur. I feel so bad that my kids sometimes have to deal with a mom who can't cope, but they are possibly building character from it? Building real life experiences or something like that.
Today was much better, though. I was able to mostly be patient and calm with them. Faye was a saint. An absolute saint! She asked what chores she needed to do to get on the computer. She cleaned the living room. Later, I called for Keith and he sent Faye in his place. Except I wasn't just randomly calling for a child, any old child would do. I wanted Keith. He had left some appliances out for three days and he needed to come put them away. He's sneaky, that boy. He usually sends Faye, and I typically send her back and have her make Keith come. This time around, I gave her a chore to do. I explained that when I call for Keith, it is because I really need Keith to come, and if she keeps coming instead, I am going to just keep giving her chores.
She cleaned the bathroom and it looks phenomenal!
I wish I had thought of this tactic years ago!
Keith finished reading book 7 of Harry Potter today. I am so proud of him! He said I ruined the series, though. I had let him sit and read and not do chores all morning and most of the afternoon because it is Summer, and I hate putting a book down when I am at the climax, awesome things are happening, and then I have to do something menial. As soon as he finished reading, I asked him to do his chores.
Oh how the world ended! Also, did you know, I am the WORST mom in the history of Time. According to Keith, anyway. I really did laugh. He was so mad at me, and I just made dinner. I am glad he finished the series and loved it, but books end and reality continues.
It's a cold hard truth. All book lovers are very acquainted with the injustice of it.
Jeffrey came home and he and Keith had a time out so Keith could vent. He's very tired. He decided his bedtime is 10:30. We put him to bed usually at 8:30-9:00, but he stays up reading until much later, and then is grumpy. School starting is going to be another cold hard reality. Cold and hard like cash, reality like he doesn't have any cash.
I must say, though, it has been a lovely day. It isn't so bad being the Worst Mom in the History of Time.
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Those two are so happy, and obedient, and such a joy to be around, and I loved every minute of being with them. I wish Keith and Faye didn't fight so much, because it was such a lovely afternoon, and I found myself thinking with longing of the day when school starts for them and I can spend so much time with the quiet happy ones. After we got some goldfish and cookies, we went outside and Vince and Beth played in some rocks in the shade. I changed a diaper, and then let them run around for a bit. We had been sitting in the car for a very long time!
Beth found a rock with a divet in it. She told me it was the Fairy Queen's throne. We found a storm drain in the grass and Vince tried to throw rocks down in, but the rocks were too big. Beth told us that it is a portal to another world. You have to go through there to get to the fairy world. Don't be afraid of the water that we see through the grate, it isn't really water, it is just pretend water to scare people away so they will leave fairy land alone, and only the true believers can enter.
That girl has an imagination that is so often overshadowed by her older siblings I sometimes forget how vivid and sweet it is. We drove back through town, and Beth got excited when she saw the temple. She asked if we could go look at it. I wanted to say no. I wanted to say we had to get home, so we could beat Daddy home so he wouldn't worry about us. I wanted to list all of the reasons why we just didn't have time. I decided we would drive up to it, pass it on our way home. As we got close, it looked really crowded. There were cars lining the street. I said in my mind, "if we can find a parking spot, we will get out and go walk around."
We found a parking spot. In the shade. Up close. Obviously, it was meant to be!
And then we were back. And we were all dripping. But we got into the van, and we drove home. Jeffrey was going to go visit his sister and pick up the big kids after work, so we just went straight home. It was such a sweet day, the kind you want to freeze forever in a snow globe. Except without the snow. As I was helping Beth get ready for bed tonight, I told her how much I loved spending time with her today. She wrapped those sweet little arms of hers around my neck and told me she loved it too. And then she closed her eyes and fell asleep.
I say! I wish every day could be as picture perfect as today was. It is so much easier to cherish and love the moments when they aren't filled with bickering and pestering. I found a daily schedule that Keith had made for himself. #3 on his list, right after eating breakfast, he had scheduled in an hour of "bug Beth." What?! Sometimes that boy is so naughty, I just don't know what to do with him. He really seems to delight in making her scream. I am really going to miss the help and the fun conversations I have with Keith and Faye once school starts, but I am really going to enjoy the peace while they are at school!
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
I was yelling at my kids today. All day. It felt like they had been exceptionally naughty today, and I kept reminding myself it was because they were up so late last night. And so I was justified.
Because they were hitting. They were teasing. They were provoking. I was yelling at them, and it was ridiculous. Two dishes had been shattered on the floor. Heads had been bonked. Beds had been removed from their frames. And I think really, it was just me.
I was tired. I had had a migraine for 2 days and still it lingered today. I wanted peace, and that is like asking for Atlantis, when 4 little people are involved.
I honestly don't remember why I was yelling, but mid yell, it just stopped. My voice somehow switched over to soft and sweet and I asked Keith to go down and get his scriptures. I asked Faye to go find hers. They were understandably confused. Keith didn't need prompting, I wasn't yelling, and he was no longer the recipient. He got out of there quickly! Faye was simply stunned and turned into a human maniquen. She froze, and just looked at me, slightly perplexed. Again, softly, gently, I asked her to fo get her scriptures. As understanding crossed her features, she thawed, and rushed off after Keith.
They brought their scriptures up, and we read a chapter.
And suddenly, the atmosphere in my home was different! It had gone from Hurricane Watch to Stroll on the Beach, shoes in hand, sand squelshing between your toes. There was still a bit of squabbling, but overall, the tone of my home had shifted from Stephen King to Julie Andrews!
What a blessing scriptures and prayer are in my family, in my life! Today was crazy. I wasn't the mom I desperately want to be. But it is comforting to know that Heavenly Father knows when to step in, use my voice, and organize order. Because none of that was me. I was just as surprised as the kids for the abrupt, mid yell, change to both my message and my tone. I am hoping I can remember and carry this lesson, though.